Faith viewed anew...

 I off to visit with my friend LH and I worry that I'll show up and she'll be fabulously thin and I will still be the plump, middle aged, wanna-be-young- again, woman that I've come to be. Oh fiddle sticks. There goes my mind again.

For Pete's sake I say to myself in exasperation, "I want to be the sort of person that doesn't worry about anything. I want to be so amazingly secure that I do what ever the hell I want no matter what! I want to be the kind of woman who claims her life with gusto and no one thinks poorly of her for doing it" There! Did you read that? "And no one thinks poorly of her for doing it!" What the fuck is that about? Why do I constantly fret about whether someone will think poorly of me?  For example, there I was at staff meeting the other day and Birdie is talking about wanting some stories for the annual report and I, who have been up since 3:30 a.m. with only 2.5 hours of sleep feel a bit slap happy, maybe a touch of snark. I offer up the international field trip we all took last summer as a good story.

She scowls at me. 

I don't care. I get bolder, perhaps snarkier, I feel a crow-like moment come on. I persist that my idea is worthy. I feel a bit triumphant, feel like pushing the limits. Good natured, hardy insistence. A means to lighten the mood, poke fun at the obvious unnecessary resistance.  And then I let it go when she insists that my idea won't work. Fine. Who cares? I let it go. But I feel good about having stayed with myself instead of shutting down. Backing down. I like the Snark. The Boldness. The Insistence. I liked the Power, and it put me in a good mood.

But then, the next day here comes Birdie and she want to apologize to me for her harshness at the staff meeting. "No worries." I say. "I had been in a mood, wanted to push the envelop and hadn't taken her personally." We talk a bit more and all seems to end well. But then, after she left, I observed that my mind quickly returned to its comfort zone of self doubt and fear concerning what others think of me. I start to mentally question my own behavior from the day before and observe how with doubt, I negate the good feelings I'd experienced and replace them with fear of rejection and the desire to be approved. 

I constantly worry about being accepted, about being good enough. 

"Am I fucking good enough?" Of course I am, I counter,  but how do I rearrange this brain stuff, these neurological pathways that were laid down in my earliest years? How do I rebuild the innate roadmap that guides me on this journey called my life? 

I'm sick of eating crap. I'm sick of being less than. I'm sick of the constant contradictions, the constant internal mental agitation. The tyranny of fear and anxiety.

In some moments I see myself as extraordinary,  but almost as quickly I will act as though I suck. I will treat myself with so much disrespect, so much contempt, and so much neglect that its no fucking wonder I am filled with fear and anxiety and project it outwardly toward the only safe source I know... -my spouse. Its easier to accuse PT of not loving me enough, its easier to accuse him of being neglectful, or of not caring. Its easier than it is to accuse myself and really mean it. It much easier to be angry at him and to yell at him and to accuse him of being the source of all the horrible beliefs I hold in my head about myself.

When I take a good hard look at how I am harming myself by not taking care of my body, I see that I feed myself poison and yet, I will not feed my animals anything less than the best. Why don't I think of myself with as much love? I observe how I worry that the dogs aren't getting enough exercise and yet turn a blind eye towards myself. I neglect my poor frumpy self. Why? 

Because I don't have enough courage to stand up against my brain neurons that insist that I don't matter.  I am at war with myself. My brain reminds me again and again that I didn't matter enough for Dad to show up when I was a kid. Neither did Mom. I didn't know that I was worth believing in. I kind of thought that maybe I did. I certainly had enough get up and go and initiative to be successful so that anyone would notice me. But still, the for the people who I thought mattered, I didn't. I am still seeking love that I don't believe I deserve. I get anxious if I think that PT doesn't treat me like I matter, but still I stay, and furthermore, I am in constant doubt. I wonder whether I am I even reading the situation correctly. What is my own delusion, and what is real? What have I normalized that isn't healthy? What do I react to that is just normal? I am emotionally hungry and consequently also unavailable. I keep all my friendships at arms length. I check out a lot. But, at the same time I am also hungry for relationship, for engagement, for attention, for recognition, for praise, for acceptance. I constantly seek to be worthy.

So, ironically,  I pick a man who also isn't emotionally available either. Why? Because I don't know what to do with emotionally available people. I hide from them. I isolate. I act like I don't care. I don't show up. I hide from friends. I don't stay in touch. I spend a lot of time in my head and sitting on my duff thinking about how its gonna be. 

On and on it goes. But, goddamn it!  I want to change this fucking world view that I hold. I want to change the goddamned neural pathways. But how?

I want to become more organized, happy, and loving. I want to be "other" oriented, but not before I start putting myself first. Only then, can I be the loving, caring, giving, easy going, relaxed individual I hope to become. Breathe. Put Love into my core, into my mental state. Meditation is a good tool for rearranging the pathways. Exercise changes the brain. 

Make a plan. Make a schedule. Give yourself time.

Implement.

How hard can it be? Easier if I put the fucking weed away and save it for rainy day special times. Easy does it. Be gentle dear Indigo. Be gentle. Nurturing my inner child is taking on a different perspective. I get why it works. Rewiring the roadmap in my brain.

Bring on the fish oil. Its brain food! Bring on my one and only precious life! What shall I do with the next 10-20-30 years? How will I become Vivacious and still age w/ grace? Is vitality compatible with aging? Will I ever think about sex as something I share w/ another? I feel my work is to simply let go of the questions, let go of the contradictions and practice pure love, practice holding my dear soul and loving it like nothing else matters. I think that my work is to relax and surrender to "who knows?" and to shrug my shoulders peacefully with no expectation. It certainly seems more desirable than the misery of wishing for something I cannot change. I am aging. I am changing. I am transforming and I have no power over anything except for how I conduct myself and how I care for myself. 

I hear myself  and still out of nowhere comes the question, "What the hell does it mean to have a good enough fucking relationship?" Doubt is a demanding bully. I have to pull hard to activate memories about the here and now. I have to say to myself,  "Remember how just last week, he came up behind you and wrapped his arms around you and said he loved you?"  Yeah, but he only does that a couple of days after I've cried because I'm ignored. No he doesn't. He did it today and he's been very sweet today. No prompting required. I live in delusion.

Another way I can retrain my neural pathways is by being courageous enough to have faith. I tell myself I have to have faith that "things are fine". That things will equalize. Faith means that I trust that we can get through difficult periods. Faith demands that I remind myself that this is not "all about me." For christ's sake,  he's struggling with depression too! He's getting old too! He's a human being who wants to be loved, like all of us. He wants to be seen, valued and appreciated. Of course.

Faith demands that I trust that its not all about me. Trust demands that I stay centered and not get consumed by the fear of not being "enough". The question I need to ask myself is whether I have faith that the relationship is good enough as it is?  I always want more. My fear is a rapacious leach. How do I break away?  What's an appropriate amount to want? What is good enough when it comes to being in a "relationship?" 

Awakening

Good enough. Differentiation. A concept where one learns to be with another person fully without losing oneself. A good enough relationship is differentiated. I loose myself. I am deep into this work right now. I am outside myself. Observing. Witnessing.  I've been witnessing the foundation of my fears in flashbacks. I've been witnessing the splicing of myself from meaningful relationships. I've been witnessing myself as alienated. Attachment w/ my mother. My mother is the basis of my fears, my anxieties, my need for approval, my anger. She did the best she could. She was a good enough mother. I need these neurons to rearrange themselves though. Can I continue to live w/ PT? Not sure. I'm always trying to live through the most difficult situations just to prove that I am spiritually superior. Will it make a difference in the rest of my life if I can really and truly learn to differentiate? PT isn't going to suddenly become warm and fuzzy. He isn't going to learn how to get organized. He isn't going to suddenly take care of the things he needs to take care of.
 He has not incentive to grown up. So what am I going to do? Take care of myself. Redefine what my life should look like? Redefine my goals?

So.. What do I want? I want power. I want my sexual power back. I want my body back. I want to be alive with creative energy. I want to be effective and I want recognition. I also want peace, and beauty. I want order. I want rhythm. I want health. I want to be clear. I want real courage and I want clarity.

What are the actions I must take? Clean upstairs. Make a daily routine schedule. Be of service. Be active. Stop smoking weed. Meditate. Do yoga. Get on the treadmill. Go for walks. Embrace the dark. Embrace the cold. Make food that is healthy to eat. Stop making excuses. Start now. Be love.

The need to understand

My mind races quite a bit lately. I am filled with a desperate need to understand. Does P love me? Am I a decent person? Do I matter?

I wake up with anxiety. I have an overwhelming need to make sure nothing is slipping by me and yet, at the same time I want to slip out, slip away and be responsible for no-one. Nothing.

My father is visiting. I heard myself use a harsh tone with him last night. Impatient w/ confusion. P is confused a lot too. The two men in my life that I care about. The two that I am most desperate to have know me, understand me, care about me, guide me. Neither can.

I spoke with my mother yesterday on the phone and she speaks about my brother Chris and his family returning to NY state. She notes that when Christopher comes home everything will be good. Everyone will be home the way it is supposed to be. I comment, "well almost, everyone." She rebounds with "we all figure you can get here quick if you need to."

No I can't. Do I want to? Do I want to be part of a family that doesn't really care one way or the other about my existence?

Do I want to be in a home with P who similarly doesn't seem to care about my existence?

Have I created this empty reality in my life by running, running, running from everything that doesn't seem to care about me.

What does caring about someone mean really? Is it hovering? Interfering in one's personal life? Really. I'm desperate to know.

I am filled with such grief. I want to cry all the time. Am I mentally unstable because I am not taking good care of myself? I've been eating tons of sugar recently and again. I am not getting any exercise. Is it as simple as eating well and getting exercise? Would I feel different? Really different?

I don't know.

What brings you joy?

This morning I am overcome with deep grief. There is no outlet that feels safe or restorative. It wells up inside of me and I am overcome with fear, anxiety, angst and anger. I hate that I feel so alone. I hate that I feel so utterly alone and unloved. I feel the pain of not being seen. I don't know how to be in the world. I don't know how to be the kind of person that stands out, is sought out. I don't know how to excel at what I am, because I don't know what I am. I feel so reflectionless. No one tells me what they think of me. Except P of course and he thinks I'm needy and wants me to leave him alone.

So, I'm left this morning wondering how do I find joy? What brings me joy? Being loved. Feeling competent. Small things. Beauty. Interpersonal relationships. The dogs. A beautiful sky.

I am yearning to be be fully prepared for life. What will I do when someone I love dies? What happens if I become ill. P is not prepared to care for me or the animals. He is a child. I want him to be grown up. I hunger for a mate that takes responsibility for things that are important. If I leave, his children will be cast into the role of caregiver.

I've asked him to take a stand for me. Show some serious sign of his commitment to me. I hate his disdain. It pains me terribly. It rips me open time and time again. I feel so fucking alone. I feel so much grief welling up inside of me.

So is it just simple fucking depression. Will medication help? What about eating well? Getting enough sleep and regular exercise? That is what helps, but it doesn't solve the problem that still, in my world I am invisible and unloved. Taken for granted. Dismissed as boring. Unlovable.

My father arrives today. I have to pick him up in Boston. I am afraid to drive in Boston. Afraid of getting lost. Afraid of driving to Maine in the dark. I am afraid of the car breaking down. I am afraid of not knowing how to solve problems. I am afraid of not being prepared.

addictions feed on insecurity and fear

What nonsense, this fucking addiction. This co-dependence. This separation anxiety. This insecurity. This fear of loss. Of being left. Of not being loved. Of not being liked. Of not being good enough. Of not being young any more and for being out of shape. Can I change? Its my life long goal. I fear rejection. I feel being left.  I hate being ignored and I hate the way P is so utterly cold and dismissive. I hate living with the sense of not being good enough. I hate that I am always seeking approval. I hate, I hate, I hate.

Why am I so unhappy and insecure?

I know what I need to do. But when? When will I step up and begin? It never seems like the right time, as though my life is constantly in the reset mode.

Courage, redefined.

I am afraid to speak my truth. Why shouldn't I be able to say "No" to the yelling and then, just walk away?

Answer: I am very afraid that if I say no, that I will be shunned, ignored, dismissed, thrown out.

But where does this fear come from? Does it have merit? What is really the truth?

Isn't it also true that when I do take risks and say what's on my mind, (choosing my issues with care), that nothing really happens. Noise. It passes. Isn't it true that when I breathe; when I don't take things out of context and in a fearful way, that life keeps flowing? Why do I fear?

Its ironic that he says that -I just want to control the situation. He calls me "little miss ethical standards." Ha! - I don't even know what that means. -Little miss ethical standards. He's right. I do want to stand for an ethical, authentic, loving life.

Yes, of course I want to control things. I don't want to be yelled at! But the challenge is, can I stand it, even if I don't like it? I think so. I believe I have the courage to stand in peace.

Think about it. What would happen if I took the yelling? Really. What would happen if I just let it happen and didn't react?

That's the trick, is it not? Not to react. Have the fucking courage not to react. Courage to be curious, and to not be so self-protective.  What is it that PT always says? "Welcome all that God brings." Indeed. There is always an opportunitiy to look these tedious headaches right in the eye and then to move into and through and hopeuflly one day beyond the impulsivity, the anxiousness, the fear.

Well, you know what? I'm ready. Really.
I'm really ready. Fuck this compulsive fucking lifestyle.
I'm sick of being run by reaction. On ward Ho!

The Love that seeks to know

Friendship is the fabric that we wrap around ourselves to provide safety, warmth, & comfort. It is the pool of inspiration that reflects back our cares, worries, joys and wisdom. Friendship bound in truth is the most endearing, the most delicious, the most relished. Friendships can ebb and flow with time; sometimes coming to the surface during periods of growth or darkness, or later they metaphorically wander off to explore other perspectives,  seek out new places, or simply lie quietly for purposes of self knowledge or healing. This can go on for months, years, or even decades sometimes.

I am wondering about my friend Kay. She has seemed rather aloof, hurt, angry, worried. It seems to me that its been more than a couple of months that I've been feeling something different than I'm familiar with from her. I'm concerned that I've acted hurtfully. Was it the time I canceled our get-together in favor of taking Ariel and her friends to Mexicali Blues and later to the house concert in Union? Was it my lack of follow up? Have I crossed an unspoken time frame in terms of how long to let time lapse between phone calls? What have I missed that was important in her life that I needed to be more attentive to?  

I'm mindful that I have been, at times, full of angst, fear, anger & resentment, especially since July of last year. As the autum fell into winter and winter melted into spring, it seemed to just go on and on. I know I was consumed with managing it all. I felt raw, and grasping. Its embarrassing, in a way, to look back upon one's self and see the shadow essence fully illuminated.  The triumph, however, lies in seeing myself, and being aware that I have stayed with the discomfort of truth, and objectively I've been able to consciously move into the subjective space of truth and love of self. I mark this past June, only 6 weeks ago, as a major turning point in my journey called life. I feel as though all of the angst, worry, fear, anger and resentment has shifted. It's broken open and is still unraveling, but all is well. Neither too high, nor too low. Feeling stimulated, yet balanced. 

But, what can i do to make it right with Kay? Its ironic how one can feel so wise and ignorant at the same time. I'm aware that there may be several co-occuring realities (or illusions, depending...) at play here in my experience.  I sense a certain sadness, of being hurt mixed with anger, overlain with aloofness. It invites me to wonder...   First: is this how she feels about me? It seems reasonable. I feel that I've slighted her, been negligent with the care of our friendship. I worry. How can I make it right? Two: is everything ok with her otherwise? Are there tensions in her life that are weighing her down? How can I help? I want to support her. Three: Is she really and truly fine and have I been projecting/counter transferring my own unresolved issues?  If so... well then, hahaha. The opportunity for self awareness is here and present. What can I learn from this experience?

No matter what, -What is it that I want her to know? That she is my long time fabric and inspirational pool. But more importantly, that I think of our friendship like the way Socrates describes friendships - "philosophy and friendship have much in common: they are both founded upon the love that seeks to know."  The love that seeks to know. That's the spark that is exciting for me. I love the buzz of inquiry and reflection that we share. The deep listening. The overlapping of interests and shared aesthetics. 
When I think of my dearest friends, those who span multiple places and times with me, I see that the common thread is the nature of inquiry, the desire to share what one learns about self with the other so as to support one and other simultaneously on the path we've chosen to walk. The path of being alive, aware and present and peaceful. The path of loving/kindness. The path of service to others. The path to know true self love and therefore to be more fully human. That is what I value about my friendship with Kay. And, therefore, I feel too much time has passed and I yearn to close the present gap of separation. And yet, I see too, that I am willing to give the space of time all that it needs, if need be.

I'm happy. Peaceful.
I feel loved.
I like myself.
I love Peter.
I love myself more.
Life is good.

When did it change?

Its amazing, but somewhere back when I went to Halifax it all blew out.

I had the courage to say No! Enough!  - I hear you.  - I'm not going to be a chump!

I gave a date when I would leave: Sept. 1st . He said ok.

Before I went to sleep, I told him that if he changed his mind, it would be ok. He would just have to let me know. And so, when he work up he changed his mind. His answer was no. Please stay.

I then spoke of conditions: Kindness, truth. Authenticity. Tenderness.

Real peace. It begins within  each of us. Mindfulness. Be alert to the stories we tell ourselves.

I spoke to of filling the void, the emptiness of celibacy. Creating closeness. I said that I want an exceptional relationship. An extraordinary relationship. No more mediocrity.

He said, ok. And so, we've been practicing since June 12th. We've hit a few low spots since then, but insignificant really, especially when compared to the meanness, the hell of where we were. I feel almost superstitious to speak of the joy, the delight, the closeness I feel with him again. But, with the intent that comes from each of us, the willingness to try, and the desire to love, we are together. Its sweet and I like it.

I am tired. Right now. But this too shall pass.

"If we learn to open our hearts, anyone, including the people who drive us crazy, can be our teacher."
— Pema Chödrön


"Life is glorious, but life is also wretched. It is both. Appreciating the gloriousness inspires us, encourages us, cheers us up, gives us a bigger perspective, energizes us. We feel connected. But if that's all that's happening, we get arrogant and start to look down on others, and there is a sense of making ourselves a big deal and being really serious about it, wanting it to be like that forever. The gloriousness becomes tinged by craving and addiction. On the other hand, wretchedness--life's painful aspect--softens us up considerably. Knowing pain is a very important ingredient of being there for another person. When you are feeling a lot of grief, you can look right into somebody's eyes because you feel you haven't got anything to lose--you're just there. The wretchedness humbles us and softens us, but if we were only wretched, we would all just go down the tubes. We'd be so depressed, discouraged, and hopeless that we wouldn't have enough energy to eat an apple. Gloriousness and wretchedness need each other. One inspires us, the other softens us. They go together."
— Pema Chödrön (Start Where You Are: A Guide to Compassionate Living)


I feel like I've been run over by a truck.
I am perpetually stressed and I'm concerned that it is harming me, -emotionally, spiritually and physically.


I've been through surgery this week. I've been in quite a bit of pain. I am tired. I am tired of the issues between Peter and I and the family. Its old. I have to wonder if its just me... but every time I go there, I quickly back out. No. I live with a very difficult man. 


I called Mom. I cried. She listened. It felt good to talk with my mother. I feel so alone sometimes. She says that Shari is coming back to NY. I'm glad. I miss her. I'm so glad she is coming home. It made me sad, jealous, and amplified my sense of being all a lone in the world when she told me that Shari will stay at Tom and Rhonda's. That they are paying for her tickets to come home.


I don't even know how to fix my self. Except to quit the pot and quit the eating and start exercising.  I am tired. Right now. This too shall pass.


I came upstairs after I talked with mom and PT was a wake. I told him I needed reassurance. He scowled at me. I got tears in my eyes and he asked what I was crying about. He held me. I told him I needed reassurance because he told me he wanted me to leave. I asked him if that was still the case. He said sometimes, but not always. Not mostly. It helped. He held me for a good long while.  

Sometimes you just gotta vent.

I hate my life and I want to die. I hate that I am living with a man who doesn't care about me or can't act like an adult. I am afraid. All I want is to be loved, to be noticed. To be fucking appreciated. I hate my life. I want to die. I'm sick of living. For what? To be a fucking spinster? You've got to have your fucking spoons all lined up in a certain order, its more important than taking the time to offer kind words of appreciation. You are so fucking shallow, I don't know why in the hell I would even want to be with you. What the hell is wrong with me that I would want to be with a man who can't fucking take care of himself, let alone anyone else, and especially me.

Does it ever even fucking occur to you to think about what I might want or need? No. You behave in a self centered, selfish way. It pisses me off.  It fucking pisses me off that you can't even give me a little peace and quiet. You complain to Forest about me being home all week... poor, poor baby. Did it ever fucking occur to you that treating me to some fucking peace and quiet, to a calm, clean house might be a decent thing to do? No. No you don't, and why? Because you are childish, and self centered and you want the fucking world to revolve around you. You are a immature 12 year old who sees the world as always acting out on you. You fucking blame, blame and blame. You lash out all the fucking time. I am most resentful of you telling me to leave because you don't like the way I'm behaving. You are a fucking child. I am really pissed off. I am really resentful. I hate that you belittle me and treat me with so little regard. It fucking pisses me off that you don't treat me with respect and kindness. Your idea is to just fucking ignor me. I like that you bring me coffee, but I really wish you brought me love, tenderness and nurturing.

I don't know what to do.

Where is the peace in chaos?

Tired of livin, scared of dyin... that's what Jimi Malone usta say. I just took a walk along the cape, found a group of birch and followed a couple of downed trees, killed by spikes from someone's deer stand; another killing machine. I followed the two dead logs with their spiked heads sticking out of them like some long ago bayonet, and neatly tucked my pipe and the last of my stash into earth beneath the log.

Edie tells me in a no nonsense sort of fashion to get rid of the dope. Of course. Stop eating! I tell myself. Of course. Breathe into your life. Breathe into your fucking life. It is what it is. Step into it. Stop standing on the sidelines. Stop fucking obsessing, already. Enough!

OK. So your life didn't turn out exactly as you'd imagined it would. Recreate the image. What makes you happy chica? Routine. Really? Yes.

Peaceful company.

Imagination. Kindness. Healthy Food.

Power.

Yes. I like Power. Have you ever really had power? Yes.

I like looking good. I really like the power of being a good looking woman. Even an old,  but good looking woman. What would happen if you were an old, but good looking woman and still lived with Peter? I don't know. What would happen if you stopped your smoking addiction and ate healthy and exercised? What would happen? How would your life be different? Would you be relaxed? Would you be happy? I don't know.

I wish someone would clean the house.

I resent that I've been convalescing since Monday till Friday. Took the girls on Friday. Home late. Ate dinner on Tuesday or was it Wednesday? Not sure. It was pork chops. The dishes haven't been done since then. Peter is busy with other projects. I see that. He's very busy organizing over in his world. He bought a $600 couch today. Leather. And a cloth one too. $50. The car needs to be worked on. I clung to my $300 for the car. I cling to something in the savings account. $85 today. Is that the issue though? No. Of course not. The issue is that we're not on the same page and he isn't looking out for the details of what it takes to keep things in a peaceful hum. His inattention creates anxiety and chaos. I hate chaos. I hate that I am all alone, and powerless and unseen. Unseen because I am fat and undesirable to look upon. They don't look at me because I am fat. They do not want to see that which is no longer pretty or attractive. I am frumpy, dull and fat. Accept it. Now change it if that is what you want. Stop living in the imagined future of some better person or time.

Do I need to move out to be happy, peaceful, free and thin? Do I?

I can count on PT to be unreliable. Make peace with it. Am I disappointed? Of course. I wanted to play grown up games. I wanted to be in a mature partnership. Perhaps that will come. Everything I understand teaches me that I must trust and flow. I must stop the resistance. I must stop the fretting. I have to practice loving myself. When i treat myself with love and kindness, everything else falls into place.

Who can I be if I stop the fight, stop the yearning, stop the sorrow, stop the complaining? Who am I without the pain? Who am I with the pain, all raw and exposed? Am I strong?

I wasn't very strong with this past surgery. I hate pain. I fucking hate physical pain. I hate living in this house of chaos, filth and noise.

I want to live in a clean tranquil serene house. I want it to make sense.

Sometimes this house is clean and serene.

Just, not now.

I feel like screaming, yelling, crying. Sleeping.

I want the feeling of trying to get caught up to go. I want the anxiety of overeating and of eating poison and garbage to go. I want to stop the fight.

I revisit earlier writings... two months ago I am in touch with this sense of hopelessness. I need to take it in... ---
"In Geneen Roth's book I read a passage about parallel lives...  She writes that "we construct Parallel lives based on what we think will make us feel worthy, beautiful, loved, while the real think, our lives, as they are, spread before us, unused, unsung. We become so convinced we have to look, think, feel act in ways that match our parallel lives. we miss the moment-to-moment unfolding that could, as last, satisfy us.

Buried beneath all of this is the root cause, she argues... of not facing the truth of our hopelessness with the situation that was so unbearable as children. She  says that "when, as children, we understood that we were not going to get that love, we made up stories, created fantasy lives, tried to be someone else... our parallel life, our fantasy of what will happen when we finally find the love, respect, visibility, and abundance that's eluded us for a lifetime - is the adult version of the child longing to be seen and loved.

She goes on to discuss the three obstacles that interfere with the parallel life fantasy... which I'd like to dive into some more, but what I am taking away with me this morning is that the real work is to allow ourselves to be who we already are, and to have what we already have. We also have to allow ourselves to FEEL that original hopelessness. I get it. I think too, that part of whats happening in my life right now, even with the eating is that I've been digging deep into this stuff. Making peace with the idea that my life, my love life is hopeless. Its not going to magically change. I can feel my core understanding changing. I can see how my work with practicing mindfulness over the past year is starting to pay off.

The big question as the heart of all of this work around moving beyond compulsive eating is what is enough?

Go!

I have a sense of playing hide and go seek with myself. Here. Here, but not here. Observing. Obsessed with food. Obsessed with process. What have I decided? What will I do? Am I just waiting for a fight? Am I riding out the days, hoping for the best? Am I wise to consider the future that may not include steady income? I gravitate toward that explanation of why. What am I looking out on? What am I planning to become? If I can indeed, as I am convinced that I believe- if I can change the way my brain is wired, how, then do I want to rewire it? To be at peace with things as they are. To stop eating neurotically. To eat joyfully and with gusto those foods which fill by body with nourishment. To practice meditation consistently. To exercise my body happily. To get out and play regularly... OUT and play. With the dogs. Regularly. Daily. To CREATE. WRite. Color it with COLOR.... yarn, paint, sculpture.  I need routine. I need routine. I need and want routine.

So, dear woman: what the heck is going on? Get out of your own way and step into the life you wish to have. Plan meals. Sleep well. Play. Be kind. Stop worrying. Save some money. Watch fear. Practice meditation. Learn to be a yogi. Walk inside. Walk outside. Climb hills. Play with dogs. Stop eating garbage. i beg of you dear one. Dear girl. Stop this harmful life. Stop it at once. You now have all the tools you need. You know what to do. Go!

Tentative

We had a lovely evening last night... sweet, connected. PT was in a very happy and loving mood. Glad that his children are together. Affectionate and loving to me in front of them. Talked at length with me. Drank some wine and generally very affectionate. Went to bed, snuggled during the night and this morning, made love. Sweet. Welcome.  Easy morning.

Until he asked if I'd contacted Roy about the security deposit.... "yes" I answered tentatively. Fear. I mentioned that $350 he has offered. PT outraged. I ask not to discuss. I'm enjoying the tranquility. He sputters some more and then quiets. I've told Roy to let me see how it goes and I'll get back to him on Monday.

I'm off to work. Optimistic, but tentatively so. I've experienced PT's amorous moods before, and mostly they've been substance induced and so, I'm not completely trustful that its real. He did apologize for his bad behavior, while we talked last night. I remark on how mindfulness is the first step in change.

Crossroads.

Ahhh, well, its been a trying couple of weeks. More raging, more ranting. Horrible arguments. Peter - cold and indifferent, sometimes hateful. I am the same. He tells me he wants me to get out of his house. I am afraid. I am sad. My stomach in knots. Painful. I've spoken w/ Roy. Need to make decision by next Monday. Today is Tuesday. I guess I know that Peter doesn't want to be with me and I feel kind of like a chump. I just hate the idea of another failed relationship. I hate the idea of moving again, of turning my life inside out.
Still, I need to decide. I must not be desperate. Objective. Try. I'm going to keep a log between now and then.
Last night, painful conversations. Raw. Pushed through. He kissed me before he went to bed. Stiffly, awkwardly, as though it was obligatory. This morning, he awakens first. I ask him to let me hold him. It feels tender, but childlike. I am the mother, he the child. Nothing back from him. He just lies against me. We talked pleasantly during am hours. I spoke with him about my work stress. Described my workload, a bit. He listened. I left for work at 8 am.
Tonight, I'm home at 8:15 pm. House is dark. No-one home, no notes.
8:30 pm- Peter calls. Tells me that he is at Forest's house with Ariel. They have had a nice evening. Forest made a lovely meal. He asks me about my day. I tell him. He asks if I will be up... I say till 10. He says he'd like to come home and looks forward to seeing me.
9:30 pm. But, what's the point of saying you look forward to seeing me, if you don't come home? Still not home.

What is enough?

I am rising this morning, tired of having been into the food all day yesterday and truthfully, for the past couple of weeks. Work has been hectic and fast paced and I've neglected myself. Balance, balance, balance.

Picked up Geneen Roth's book, "Appetites" and read a couple of pages that are giving me pause. I also should mention that although I have been into the food the past couple of weeks, I have also had a good couple of weeks w/ Peter. A few quarrels here and there, but truly getting along with him. I've also been studying brain development and diving into meditation again, all with the curiousness that comes with learning and applying to one's life and work that knowledge that is relevant. I've been enjoying the stimulation. I've also been slowly getting back into exercise, although its still a developing habit. I've made plans to go to a 10 day meditation retreat later in April and while on the one hand I suspect it will be very good for me and I'm curious about having the change to examine my mind and the process of mindfullness, I'm also noticing that I'm thinking about ways to get out of it... Do something else. I definitely want to go to a space where I can be quiet for 10 days, more or less. I wonder if instead, I could go somewhere else. Someplace quiet and yet still visit with my mother, sisters, dad and aunts. Just get away from here.

I could, I suppose spend time at Meeting brook over my 10 days... It would be a lot less expensive. I could slip away, if I needed to. There are retreat centers here, there, everywhere. Meetingbrook. Yes, that is a possibility.

In Geneen Roth's book I read a passage about parallel lives...  She writes that "we construct Parallel lives based on what we think will make us feel worthy, beautiful, loved, while the real think, our lives, as they are, spread before us, unused, unsung. We become so convinced we have to look, think, feel act in ways that match our parallel lives. we miss the moment-to-moment unfolding that could, as last, satisfy us.

Buried beneath all of this is the root cause, she argues... of not facing the truth of our hopelessness with the situation that was so unbearable as children. She  says that "when, as children, we understood that we were not going to get that love, we made up stories, created fantasy lives, tried to be someone else... our parallel life, our fantasy of what will happen when we finally find the love, respect, visibility, and abundance that's eluded us for a lifetime - is the adult version of the child longing to be seen and loved.

She goes on to discuss the three obstacles that interfere with the parallel life fantasy... which I'd like to dive into some more, but what I am taking away with me this morning is that the real work is to allow ourselves to be who we already are, and to have what we already have. We also have to allow ourselves to FEEL that original hopelessness. I get it. I think too, that part of whats happening in my life right now, even with the eating is that I've been digging deep into this stuff. Making peace with the idea that my life, my love life is hopeless. Its not going to magically change. I can feel my core understanding changing. I can see how my work with practicing mindfulness over the past year is starting to pay off.

The big question as the heart of all of this work around moving beyond compulsive eating is what is enough?

Learning to be with what is.

It wants to come out... so much in my head.
Struggling.
Why struggle?

Ahhh and therein lies the question that I wrestle with each day. I debate the struggle. Let it go or go for it.

Fantasize about living a lone. A LONE. ALONE. I am agitated, uptight. Not at peace.
I watch my decisions, my sense of 'how it should be', flit in and out of flight and fight.

I feel wounded and I'm healing and I'm nervous. Intellectually I understand that PT's fight response was activated when he was awoken abruptly and furthermore he has drunk and in a deep, alcohol induced sleep. He was afraid and disoriented. I am working on not holding on to resentment. I understand that I've got to learn how to be with adversity and life. I have to relax and be with my life as it is. Breathe.

I feel so desperate to be in a peaceful environment. Calmness. Stillness. But with attention, companionship, love and tenderness. Attention, and desire. My mind is tired at this moment. I want to sleep, uninterrupted.

So, I don't know about a goddamned thing. I feel completely like an alien. One moment I'm trying on the hat of forgiveness, and unconditional love and the next minute I'm bitter and resigned to having to move out because the taste of disrespect, the taste of disdain is ever present and to stay is to drag my soul through humiliation. I am not sure if I am in denile of having to face the truth that I am not respected any longer and without respect comes bitterness and hurtful behaviors. But if I leave will I be running away from the perfect opportunity to know true peace? If I leave will I find I am able to love myself and those around me more because I am not constantly stressed?

The tyranny of struggle

We must let go of the struggle. It says so in chapter 6 of the big book. Its not enough to not pick up. We must let go of all the struggles in our lives, not just with food. Someone last night in the meeting said that if she is debating then she's already lost.

I like that.

I haven't binged in many days. I haven't eaten compulsively since at least before last Saturday when I had the melt down with PT. Well, to be honest, its been since this past Monday evening. At the CRT on Monday I picked up three tortilla chips before I had insight into my compulsive behavior. It doesn't really matter that they were not on my "do not eat" list. What mattered was that I was absent mindedly picking up. 

I feel like I'm into step three. I remember taking step three a few years ago w/ Bob.... and it was profound for the time. This time... I feel more resigned. Perhaps resigned isn't quite the right word. I feel like I believe it more. I hear myself turning it over. I am experiencing the release that comes with trust. I'm not feeling pollyannaish, but, perhaps a bit uncertain, fearful even. I have acted "as if" and it is rather miraculous that the obsessive thoughts do seem to be lifted.  I feel very willing to stop the struggle. I see that part of this process is practicing mindfullness.  I am naming my experiences. I'm watchful. I'm tuned into the feelings of craving and in that moment, I've been noting the body sensations and the state of my mind. Recognizing the demon seems to be part of the journey. See it and let it go. Or is it also, the notion of "stay with it". I think that when I stay with it, I am able to fully experience that which I've been hiding from. In the process of seeing what's going on I can choose to take action or I can choose to surrender, which is, in essence, also the notion of giving it over to God. Trusting that God will guide me to make the best choice in a given moment if only I can step back from reactive, compulsive behavior and trust that the god energy in my life will wisely guide me. 

Give it over to God to help me in all my affairs, especially with my affairs of living because it is the affairs of living that have been setting me up for compulsive behaviors around food and also, to be honest, with rage and with codependency. What is it they say in OA? Let go and let god. I like that. I do the leg work. I say no. I make good choices. I drink a glass of water first thing in the morning. I take my fish oil. I breathe when PT rants and rages. I eat dark leafy greens. I get some exercise. Stop the struggle. Stop trying to control PT. Mourn your loses. Mourn the loss of your sexuality. Mourn the fact that the house will probably never be finished. Mourn the fact that PT will not do what he is supposed to do. Mourn the fact that you merged your life with a man who isn't able to love me that way I want to be loved. Mourn the fact that he creates chaos and that the actions he should take to protect our home he is unwilling to do. Accept it all and move on. Do what I need to do to feel secure. Save my money. Save. Save. Save. Then perhaps I will be more secure. I wanted a man to take care of me. Deep down. I wanted the emotionally security of being loved unconditionally. I have to accept that the only entity that can love me unconditionally is myself. I am god. God is me. If I love myself unconditionally, then I will have enough love to love others. The struggles will take care of themselves.

February 5 and 30 days to go.

This morning I am needy. Edgy. Feel invisible. Is this my disease or is it real. If its real, can I stay present to the feelings? Can I not lash out? Can I not eat? Can I not smoke dope or drift into depression and despair? Can I manage myself?

The truth is, -I don't know.

This is my road to freedom.

I'm going to abstain from pot and also continue my journey of food abstinence. For one month. I know, I know. Am I setting myself up for failure? Or am I embarking on a journey of courage? Can I live a happy life without drowning my fear and anxiety and anger and loneliness in food and pot? Maybe. I'd like to try. Starting today. One month. An entry about the process every day. So... today is February 5th. 30 days from now will be: March 7th. Ready, set go!!!!

6pm..
Still weepy today. Sad. Needy. Still. Just sucked on a whip cream can. Couple of swallows. Ugh. I really, really want to get beyond this deep sadness and loneliness. I want this fucking deep hole to be filled. I want peace. I want peace. I want to accept my life - as it is. I feel so much. I feel so much sadness. I feel angry too. I want to lash out at PT and I wish he were more grown up. I wish he was wise and loving. I wish he loved me. I wish he wanted me. I wish I was special to someone. I wish I was loved. I wish I was missed. I wish PT would treat me sweetly, special. Yearn for me. Want me. I feel so indispensable. If I disappeared, who would care?

I hope these feelings pass.

Feb. 6

My body feels so heavy. Each limb a burden to carry me upstairs. I ache. To sit on the floor is a struggle. To get up slow. Very slow. Labored. I am stiff. Old. My knees, my calves, my ankles, my feet. My heart beats noticeably with some regularity. Pain in my midright center chest, or back.

Engaged with the work these last few days. PT and I watched Gabor Mate talk about addiction this morning. Powerful. Intelligent. Last night a melt down. What came out in my anguish... "I just want to be wanted" "I feel so unwanted" This morning, considering the old association of sex equals love.... I feel unloved. If you don't want to make love to me then you must not love me. Early childhood -  love abandonment... my mother who was unavailable, uninterested (I guess.. you know, I don't really know... but I guess, I can surmise given her later years with me when she was so emotionally unavailable.) Anyhow, through watching the video this morning I'm diving into the deep love connection.

The road called chaos

Our task now is to learn how to deal with uncertainty, not as a temporary state, but as a condition of life. 


How do we maintain our clarity, focus and stamina as we move with life's changing rhythms and directions? How do we avoid holding on to old patterns and behaviors that no longer serve? How do we find ground when the rug keeps getting pulled out from under us? And, most importantly, how do we make a meaningful contribution in the midst of so much chaos and instability?


My journey is to be with my life as it is.

and the house rattled with the sounds of an angry, drunk, obsessive compulsive man.

Tonight my heart is racing. The house has banged and rattled with the sound of an angry, drunk, obsessive compulsive man.  This is it. This is my life. Be here now. Breathe.

Be Peace. Be Peace. Be kind to myself. Be kind to others. I worry for PT. I worry for him. He is speaking in a very despondant tone tonight. I have to admit, I've never heard him so dark. He and GC had an argument.. about GC telling him that he's not been a good friend and PT saying that he has no idea what GC is even talking about. I think GC is dying of cancer and they both know it and they are mighty lousy about handling such heavy feelings and so they are lashing out at each other. It pains me.

Drilling down into the heart of my addiction.

Digging down into the heart of dysfunction. Where does my need to manage, control, oversee, manipulate PT come from?
And, furthermore, can I rise above my own needs and leave him alone?

I have some basic issues to contend with.
His brain is wired for ADHD.  I'm a compulsive overeater. They are both pathologies. Ok... so, not our fault. But, I have to learn to manage my disease. PT, ideally needs to learn to manage his. But, I'm not responsible for his dysfunction. Nor do I care to cater to it anymore. Within reason, of course. My job is to be kind and compassionate. I can, I suppose help him when its not interfering with my own well being.

Character defects I'm managing: people pleasing, insecurity, abandonment issues, procrastination, reluctance to exercise my body, judgement, sarcasm, boastfulness.

I feel resentful that PT just cruises through life and doesn't emotionally connect with me or others. I feel resentful that choosing to live with PT means I give up my sexuality. I really resent this.

I resent that he is lazy and procrastinates and will not finish what he started. I resent that I have to repeat every conversation that I initiate or answer that I answer. I resent that he is a bully and doesn't compromise very often. I resent that he isn't thoughtful consistently. I resent that it takes him all fucking day to do the dishes.

I resent that I'm triggered by his lack of support and emotional connection. I resent that he resorted to an electronic massage devise rather than touch me. I resent that he doesn't like to be touched.

ooooo boy.  I guess I'm pretty pissed off down inside of me.

I'm starting an oa meeting soon. Next week in fact.

I want to be thin! I want the world that is available to thin people. Especially sexy 50 year old thin women. I want power. (is that compatible with buddhism?)

I've been thinking and having new insights into my past and the roots of my eating addiction. I found another part to the puzzle.

It seems to me that I'm developmentally stuck (emotionally) around 11 years old. Sixth grade. Treated unfairly. At war with mother. Father abandons. Chaso rules the house. Kids alone. I'm the oldest. I first sneak off and buy food and eat it alone. I look up the developmental stage of an 11 year old. The page says that although they often don't want to be supervised, many of them suffer from loneliness, unhappiness and fear. A million webpages, but that's the one god took me to. AHAH! Moment!

At OA yesterday I hear the message of "I don't have to manage it all" I have to only manage 1% and I can let God handle the rest. Cool. I see that I really and truly do not trust - not myself, not others.

I don't trust that I can ride out my feelings.  I also heard yesterday that I'm impatient. I just have to blurt it all out. I can't wait. I talk things to death. I'm impatient. I want resolution to my discomfort resolved immediately. I need to turn it over to god.

I need to turn it all over.

Without food, how then shall I celebrate the snoday?

Sno Day! Its so amazing to be here, at this desk, looking out on this amazing view.  Peace is settling in around me. Why not?
I keep giggling when I look out the window. I can't help it. My god! The world outside out windows is beautiful. Deeply, satisfyingly beautiful.

I thought to myself.... wow! its a snoday, and so what should I bake? What should I prepare? Deep woodsy, smoky soups? Cookies? Something special to celebrate the day.

And then, I stopped. If I'm changing the way I relate to my life, where food is not the pivotal point from which everything I do rotates... then, how is it that I shall celebrate the day? The snoday? What essence, what emotion am I experiencing and how shall I go about my life? What is it about the sno day that is rich and fabulous? Going out into it! The adventure of it!


I tell AGT that over the past three weeks, I've eaten much, much better than before. I'm thinking about that in context of being abstinent and what exactly is success? I can claim success 4 or 5 days a week over the past three weeks. How does one measure improvement? By what scale do I look at this monster called addiction?

So what have I done to celebrate the day? Healthy lunch.... yogurt, banana, peanutbutter, an orange. A few dates. A handful of walnuts. A swig of OJ. Feeling jonzy though. Rambling. What's going on? Jittery. Off schedule. Wanting Lunch. Want to go out. Decide to wait till tide receeds. Finally around 2 pm we bundle up. Its brutal outside. Driving wind, snow, snow pellets. 10-14" of snow. Giant Drifts forming. I want something sweet.

Staying present. Grab a cup of joe and settle into the computer. The wind is absolutely blowing. I love the power, the energy. The house is alive with kids and PT and cop tv and preparations for PT's sauce over pasta.

You, my love, ARE enough!

I spent the morning sitting at the kitchen table shopping for mp3 players on line.  I got there because I was thinking about downloading some OA podcasts and realized I wanted (needed?) a better mp3 player than I currently have.

I'm going out for a walk in the snowstorm.
Just because.

I've returned. It was fabulous. It IS fabulous.

I'm observing the face of addiction today. Its a bit challenging to keep an eye on. I want to ignore the insistent addict's voice, the cunning slick, voice. I want to just ignore it and at the same time I need to be vigilant not to get sucked in to a misdeed.

I'm off to wash dishes and then clear the upstairs. I'm confident I will feel much better, more productive, less anxious if I clear these items off my to do list.

Listening to Geneen Roth. Still snowing.

Why am I at the workshop? Freedom! Comfy with the identity with trying to figure it out!!!!

Binging on chocolate chips. why? They taste good? They help me think? I'm sorting and trying to put order in to the room upstairs. I want companionship, I want comfort, I want companionship. I want to keep my hands and my mouth busy while I think. I want the chips because they are there. I want them and I'm not feeling willing to give them up. I could give them to Peter. I could just go down and put them away and act like a grown up. Peace is being a grown up. Peace comes through short circuiting the wiring. Obsessive, hungry wire. Procrastinator. Stuck. Go down and put them away. No guilt. Not yearning. You have enough. You, my love, ARE enough. Breathing.

Note to self. Not ready to have a bag of chocolate chips in the house. Or am I? Lets see. Don't obsess about food. Be vigilant and don't be sucked in. Be aware.