February 5 and 30 days to go.

This morning I am needy. Edgy. Feel invisible. Is this my disease or is it real. If its real, can I stay present to the feelings? Can I not lash out? Can I not eat? Can I not smoke dope or drift into depression and despair? Can I manage myself?

The truth is, -I don't know.

This is my road to freedom.

I'm going to abstain from pot and also continue my journey of food abstinence. For one month. I know, I know. Am I setting myself up for failure? Or am I embarking on a journey of courage? Can I live a happy life without drowning my fear and anxiety and anger and loneliness in food and pot? Maybe. I'd like to try. Starting today. One month. An entry about the process every day. So... today is February 5th. 30 days from now will be: March 7th. Ready, set go!!!!

6pm..
Still weepy today. Sad. Needy. Still. Just sucked on a whip cream can. Couple of swallows. Ugh. I really, really want to get beyond this deep sadness and loneliness. I want this fucking deep hole to be filled. I want peace. I want peace. I want to accept my life - as it is. I feel so much. I feel so much sadness. I feel angry too. I want to lash out at PT and I wish he were more grown up. I wish he was wise and loving. I wish he loved me. I wish he wanted me. I wish I was special to someone. I wish I was loved. I wish I was missed. I wish PT would treat me sweetly, special. Yearn for me. Want me. I feel so indispensable. If I disappeared, who would care?

I hope these feelings pass.

Feb. 6

My body feels so heavy. Each limb a burden to carry me upstairs. I ache. To sit on the floor is a struggle. To get up slow. Very slow. Labored. I am stiff. Old. My knees, my calves, my ankles, my feet. My heart beats noticeably with some regularity. Pain in my midright center chest, or back.

Engaged with the work these last few days. PT and I watched Gabor Mate talk about addiction this morning. Powerful. Intelligent. Last night a melt down. What came out in my anguish... "I just want to be wanted" "I feel so unwanted" This morning, considering the old association of sex equals love.... I feel unloved. If you don't want to make love to me then you must not love me. Early childhood -  love abandonment... my mother who was unavailable, uninterested (I guess.. you know, I don't really know... but I guess, I can surmise given her later years with me when she was so emotionally unavailable.) Anyhow, through watching the video this morning I'm diving into the deep love connection.