I love the analogy of watching a train passing through your mind, each car a thought. Can you see the thoughts? Can you catch the story? PT has been absent this past week. His mind otherwise preoccupied. I end up slipping away into obscurity and aside from occasional small polite passing remarks, I go unnoticed and he happily chugs along in his mind oblivious as to whether I am there or not. It wears on me, like always, and after yet another night of not sleeping w/ me and brushing off my attempts to connect w/ a hug or a kiss when I arrive home or awaken I snapped at him yesterday morning. The usual tired excuses and accusations fly between us. I go off to work weary. Looked at various housing options yesterday. The houses I'm interested are in the $1000 / month range. Need something in the $700 range with land and pets allowed. Still too unsure yet, and so I hesitate to really get serious about house searching. I hesitate before actually picking up the phone and calling realtor friends, or an advertised landlord.
It was a long, sad day. Came home pushed onward w/him. Same old conversations. He wants me to find peace. He doesn't feel like he has to make an effort. He wants to be left alone. I have to face the bitter truth that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. Well he does, but he is incapable of being intimate. H doesn't get it. It hurts deeply.
I see too that my own fear is at work and contributes to the disharmony. I see that when I don't say anything about him not kissing me or not coming to bed I am afraid that I am giving him implicit permission to slip away into his isolated little world and that one day will turn into two will turn into a week will turn into a lifetime together of not being touched.. -a lifetime of cold, polite interaction and my fear of this feels so overwhelming. It feels so unbearable.
And yet, all things are bearable.
And, he does eventually come around to telling me he loves me and he doesn't want me to go. And he comes to bed and holds me sweetly. And sometimes, its enough.
