The Love that seeks to know

Friendship is the fabric that we wrap around ourselves to provide safety, warmth, & comfort. It is the pool of inspiration that reflects back our cares, worries, joys and wisdom. Friendship bound in truth is the most endearing, the most delicious, the most relished. Friendships can ebb and flow with time; sometimes coming to the surface during periods of growth or darkness, or later they metaphorically wander off to explore other perspectives,  seek out new places, or simply lie quietly for purposes of self knowledge or healing. This can go on for months, years, or even decades sometimes.

I am wondering about my friend Kay. She has seemed rather aloof, hurt, angry, worried. It seems to me that its been more than a couple of months that I've been feeling something different than I'm familiar with from her. I'm concerned that I've acted hurtfully. Was it the time I canceled our get-together in favor of taking Ariel and her friends to Mexicali Blues and later to the house concert in Union? Was it my lack of follow up? Have I crossed an unspoken time frame in terms of how long to let time lapse between phone calls? What have I missed that was important in her life that I needed to be more attentive to?  

I'm mindful that I have been, at times, full of angst, fear, anger & resentment, especially since July of last year. As the autum fell into winter and winter melted into spring, it seemed to just go on and on. I know I was consumed with managing it all. I felt raw, and grasping. Its embarrassing, in a way, to look back upon one's self and see the shadow essence fully illuminated.  The triumph, however, lies in seeing myself, and being aware that I have stayed with the discomfort of truth, and objectively I've been able to consciously move into the subjective space of truth and love of self. I mark this past June, only 6 weeks ago, as a major turning point in my journey called life. I feel as though all of the angst, worry, fear, anger and resentment has shifted. It's broken open and is still unraveling, but all is well. Neither too high, nor too low. Feeling stimulated, yet balanced. 

But, what can i do to make it right with Kay? Its ironic how one can feel so wise and ignorant at the same time. I'm aware that there may be several co-occuring realities (or illusions, depending...) at play here in my experience.  I sense a certain sadness, of being hurt mixed with anger, overlain with aloofness. It invites me to wonder...   First: is this how she feels about me? It seems reasonable. I feel that I've slighted her, been negligent with the care of our friendship. I worry. How can I make it right? Two: is everything ok with her otherwise? Are there tensions in her life that are weighing her down? How can I help? I want to support her. Three: Is she really and truly fine and have I been projecting/counter transferring my own unresolved issues?  If so... well then, hahaha. The opportunity for self awareness is here and present. What can I learn from this experience?

No matter what, -What is it that I want her to know? That she is my long time fabric and inspirational pool. But more importantly, that I think of our friendship like the way Socrates describes friendships - "philosophy and friendship have much in common: they are both founded upon the love that seeks to know."  The love that seeks to know. That's the spark that is exciting for me. I love the buzz of inquiry and reflection that we share. The deep listening. The overlapping of interests and shared aesthetics. 
When I think of my dearest friends, those who span multiple places and times with me, I see that the common thread is the nature of inquiry, the desire to share what one learns about self with the other so as to support one and other simultaneously on the path we've chosen to walk. The path of being alive, aware and present and peaceful. The path of loving/kindness. The path of service to others. The path to know true self love and therefore to be more fully human. That is what I value about my friendship with Kay. And, therefore, I feel too much time has passed and I yearn to close the present gap of separation. And yet, I see too, that I am willing to give the space of time all that it needs, if need be.