Go!

I have a sense of playing hide and go seek with myself. Here. Here, but not here. Observing. Obsessed with food. Obsessed with process. What have I decided? What will I do? Am I just waiting for a fight? Am I riding out the days, hoping for the best? Am I wise to consider the future that may not include steady income? I gravitate toward that explanation of why. What am I looking out on? What am I planning to become? If I can indeed, as I am convinced that I believe- if I can change the way my brain is wired, how, then do I want to rewire it? To be at peace with things as they are. To stop eating neurotically. To eat joyfully and with gusto those foods which fill by body with nourishment. To practice meditation consistently. To exercise my body happily. To get out and play regularly... OUT and play. With the dogs. Regularly. Daily. To CREATE. WRite. Color it with COLOR.... yarn, paint, sculpture.  I need routine. I need routine. I need and want routine.

So, dear woman: what the heck is going on? Get out of your own way and step into the life you wish to have. Plan meals. Sleep well. Play. Be kind. Stop worrying. Save some money. Watch fear. Practice meditation. Learn to be a yogi. Walk inside. Walk outside. Climb hills. Play with dogs. Stop eating garbage. i beg of you dear one. Dear girl. Stop this harmful life. Stop it at once. You now have all the tools you need. You know what to do. Go!

Tentative

We had a lovely evening last night... sweet, connected. PT was in a very happy and loving mood. Glad that his children are together. Affectionate and loving to me in front of them. Talked at length with me. Drank some wine and generally very affectionate. Went to bed, snuggled during the night and this morning, made love. Sweet. Welcome.  Easy morning.

Until he asked if I'd contacted Roy about the security deposit.... "yes" I answered tentatively. Fear. I mentioned that $350 he has offered. PT outraged. I ask not to discuss. I'm enjoying the tranquility. He sputters some more and then quiets. I've told Roy to let me see how it goes and I'll get back to him on Monday.

I'm off to work. Optimistic, but tentatively so. I've experienced PT's amorous moods before, and mostly they've been substance induced and so, I'm not completely trustful that its real. He did apologize for his bad behavior, while we talked last night. I remark on how mindfulness is the first step in change.

Crossroads.

Ahhh, well, its been a trying couple of weeks. More raging, more ranting. Horrible arguments. Peter - cold and indifferent, sometimes hateful. I am the same. He tells me he wants me to get out of his house. I am afraid. I am sad. My stomach in knots. Painful. I've spoken w/ Roy. Need to make decision by next Monday. Today is Tuesday. I guess I know that Peter doesn't want to be with me and I feel kind of like a chump. I just hate the idea of another failed relationship. I hate the idea of moving again, of turning my life inside out.
Still, I need to decide. I must not be desperate. Objective. Try. I'm going to keep a log between now and then.
Last night, painful conversations. Raw. Pushed through. He kissed me before he went to bed. Stiffly, awkwardly, as though it was obligatory. This morning, he awakens first. I ask him to let me hold him. It feels tender, but childlike. I am the mother, he the child. Nothing back from him. He just lies against me. We talked pleasantly during am hours. I spoke with him about my work stress. Described my workload, a bit. He listened. I left for work at 8 am.
Tonight, I'm home at 8:15 pm. House is dark. No-one home, no notes.
8:30 pm- Peter calls. Tells me that he is at Forest's house with Ariel. They have had a nice evening. Forest made a lovely meal. He asks me about my day. I tell him. He asks if I will be up... I say till 10. He says he'd like to come home and looks forward to seeing me.
9:30 pm. But, what's the point of saying you look forward to seeing me, if you don't come home? Still not home.