The tyranny of struggle

We must let go of the struggle. It says so in chapter 6 of the big book. Its not enough to not pick up. We must let go of all the struggles in our lives, not just with food. Someone last night in the meeting said that if she is debating then she's already lost.

I like that.

I haven't binged in many days. I haven't eaten compulsively since at least before last Saturday when I had the melt down with PT. Well, to be honest, its been since this past Monday evening. At the CRT on Monday I picked up three tortilla chips before I had insight into my compulsive behavior. It doesn't really matter that they were not on my "do not eat" list. What mattered was that I was absent mindedly picking up. 

I feel like I'm into step three. I remember taking step three a few years ago w/ Bob.... and it was profound for the time. This time... I feel more resigned. Perhaps resigned isn't quite the right word. I feel like I believe it more. I hear myself turning it over. I am experiencing the release that comes with trust. I'm not feeling pollyannaish, but, perhaps a bit uncertain, fearful even. I have acted "as if" and it is rather miraculous that the obsessive thoughts do seem to be lifted.  I feel very willing to stop the struggle. I see that part of this process is practicing mindfullness.  I am naming my experiences. I'm watchful. I'm tuned into the feelings of craving and in that moment, I've been noting the body sensations and the state of my mind. Recognizing the demon seems to be part of the journey. See it and let it go. Or is it also, the notion of "stay with it". I think that when I stay with it, I am able to fully experience that which I've been hiding from. In the process of seeing what's going on I can choose to take action or I can choose to surrender, which is, in essence, also the notion of giving it over to God. Trusting that God will guide me to make the best choice in a given moment if only I can step back from reactive, compulsive behavior and trust that the god energy in my life will wisely guide me. 

Give it over to God to help me in all my affairs, especially with my affairs of living because it is the affairs of living that have been setting me up for compulsive behaviors around food and also, to be honest, with rage and with codependency. What is it they say in OA? Let go and let god. I like that. I do the leg work. I say no. I make good choices. I drink a glass of water first thing in the morning. I take my fish oil. I breathe when PT rants and rages. I eat dark leafy greens. I get some exercise. Stop the struggle. Stop trying to control PT. Mourn your loses. Mourn the loss of your sexuality. Mourn the fact that the house will probably never be finished. Mourn the fact that PT will not do what he is supposed to do. Mourn the fact that you merged your life with a man who isn't able to love me that way I want to be loved. Mourn the fact that he creates chaos and that the actions he should take to protect our home he is unwilling to do. Accept it all and move on. Do what I need to do to feel secure. Save my money. Save. Save. Save. Then perhaps I will be more secure. I wanted a man to take care of me. Deep down. I wanted the emotionally security of being loved unconditionally. I have to accept that the only entity that can love me unconditionally is myself. I am god. God is me. If I love myself unconditionally, then I will have enough love to love others. The struggles will take care of themselves.