The need to understand

My mind races quite a bit lately. I am filled with a desperate need to understand. Does P love me? Am I a decent person? Do I matter?

I wake up with anxiety. I have an overwhelming need to make sure nothing is slipping by me and yet, at the same time I want to slip out, slip away and be responsible for no-one. Nothing.

My father is visiting. I heard myself use a harsh tone with him last night. Impatient w/ confusion. P is confused a lot too. The two men in my life that I care about. The two that I am most desperate to have know me, understand me, care about me, guide me. Neither can.

I spoke with my mother yesterday on the phone and she speaks about my brother Chris and his family returning to NY state. She notes that when Christopher comes home everything will be good. Everyone will be home the way it is supposed to be. I comment, "well almost, everyone." She rebounds with "we all figure you can get here quick if you need to."

No I can't. Do I want to? Do I want to be part of a family that doesn't really care one way or the other about my existence?

Do I want to be in a home with P who similarly doesn't seem to care about my existence?

Have I created this empty reality in my life by running, running, running from everything that doesn't seem to care about me.

What does caring about someone mean really? Is it hovering? Interfering in one's personal life? Really. I'm desperate to know.

I am filled with such grief. I want to cry all the time. Am I mentally unstable because I am not taking good care of myself? I've been eating tons of sugar recently and again. I am not getting any exercise. Is it as simple as eating well and getting exercise? Would I feel different? Really different?

I don't know.

What brings you joy?

This morning I am overcome with deep grief. There is no outlet that feels safe or restorative. It wells up inside of me and I am overcome with fear, anxiety, angst and anger. I hate that I feel so alone. I hate that I feel so utterly alone and unloved. I feel the pain of not being seen. I don't know how to be in the world. I don't know how to be the kind of person that stands out, is sought out. I don't know how to excel at what I am, because I don't know what I am. I feel so reflectionless. No one tells me what they think of me. Except P of course and he thinks I'm needy and wants me to leave him alone.

So, I'm left this morning wondering how do I find joy? What brings me joy? Being loved. Feeling competent. Small things. Beauty. Interpersonal relationships. The dogs. A beautiful sky.

I am yearning to be be fully prepared for life. What will I do when someone I love dies? What happens if I become ill. P is not prepared to care for me or the animals. He is a child. I want him to be grown up. I hunger for a mate that takes responsibility for things that are important. If I leave, his children will be cast into the role of caregiver.

I've asked him to take a stand for me. Show some serious sign of his commitment to me. I hate his disdain. It pains me terribly. It rips me open time and time again. I feel so fucking alone. I feel so much grief welling up inside of me.

So is it just simple fucking depression. Will medication help? What about eating well? Getting enough sleep and regular exercise? That is what helps, but it doesn't solve the problem that still, in my world I am invisible and unloved. Taken for granted. Dismissed as boring. Unlovable.

My father arrives today. I have to pick him up in Boston. I am afraid to drive in Boston. Afraid of getting lost. Afraid of driving to Maine in the dark. I am afraid of the car breaking down. I am afraid of not knowing how to solve problems. I am afraid of not being prepared.

addictions feed on insecurity and fear

What nonsense, this fucking addiction. This co-dependence. This separation anxiety. This insecurity. This fear of loss. Of being left. Of not being loved. Of not being liked. Of not being good enough. Of not being young any more and for being out of shape. Can I change? Its my life long goal. I fear rejection. I feel being left.  I hate being ignored and I hate the way P is so utterly cold and dismissive. I hate living with the sense of not being good enough. I hate that I am always seeking approval. I hate, I hate, I hate.

Why am I so unhappy and insecure?

I know what I need to do. But when? When will I step up and begin? It never seems like the right time, as though my life is constantly in the reset mode.