So- when are you going to start standing up for yourself and saying no? Every time I promise myself I will take care of myself, and then I don't, I betray myself. I do this every day. Everyday I experience betrayal. What is that doing to my self esteem? Why would I let myself down? How do I elevate my personhood to the status of people that I love and to whom I would try very hard to honor... certainly not betray. Right?

life as it is...

 Alrighty then… Sitting in the sun trying to get a sense of peace. Quiet down. Slip into a mindset of “retreat”. Have the house to myself until late Sunday afternoon. Awesome. Breathe. Feel the warmth of the sun. Cat on my lap. Fishermen in the stream below. A little boy in the mix. He catches a small fish. Joy!

Anyhow, its almost June. I’m still overweight, and I still feel stressed and as though I have too much to do. I’m still addicted to distraction, emotional angst, ice cream, cookies, cake w/ butter cream frosting and of course, marijuana.

Sigh.

There are good things too. I feel good w/ PT these days. Mostly. Mostly I feel tolerant and to be fair, I experience him as being intentionally more present. I appreciate it. Still, lets not ignore the truth. Its hard emotionally. Really. Listen, I feel compelled to make a point to you my readers, you, my muse. I’m not being a baby about this! I’m choosing to be here for now, and most days are tolerable because I’m making peace with life as it is, not as I desire it. Equanimity, perspective taking, love and peace etc. I get it and still the truth is: PT’s a difficult man to live with and for whatever reason, I am still ill-at-ease. I know I’m compromising my values. I’m compromising my desires. For what? So I won’t be alone? Its also true that I love these people. I think they love me too. But what to do? I could go on. Get a gypsy van and hit the road. Waitress. Find a job. Talk to people. Maybe make love with a sweet man yet again before I die. I think I really want to be back in the desert with the sky and the sun and the mountains. Or at least more accessible to serenity, and nature and quiet people who eat little and drink less. I would like to be able to meditate more. What about downstairs? Would PT accommodate me? I feel as though I have little control over my environment and its stressful.

 

So, the deal is this – the game is up. Brain science now confirms the merits of meditation, not because it brings us to a holier place, but because for real, it is the ticket out of addiction and depression and into a general calm state of contentment and happiness. That’s good news. The trick now is to cultivate, create, manifest the life I want to be in. I’m not sure its compatible with living w/ PT. That’s the conundrum. So… yeah. Like can he move down stairs? Computer and ping pong? Me and meditation and painting? Probably easier for me. Plus I can also come up to use the treadmill, right? Right? So… I don’t know. It appeals to me. Little patio garden, etc…. A hot plate for coffee. Meditation cushion. Quiet.

Or do I just move out. Isn’t that a better option? Maybe his children will move in with him. I can get in my gypsy van and be on my way. Find a community. Get a little work, some food and be on my way. Learn to barter. Stop eating. Stop smoking weed? Yikes. Every time I say that I panic. I’m really hooked on weed. Why? It only makes me sleepy. I like to smoke. I like the smell of the herb. I like to get high. I don’t like to get tired. I like the way it makes me take time out. Maybe if I took time out, as a matter of course, like say… during meditation, I wouldn’t need the herb?

So, I dunno. I guess I’m having an existential crisis about my self identity if I’m not holy. I mean, “spiritual”. I think lately too, a bout death and dying. I’d like to go to Italy. I’d like to live in a Mediterranean place. Where? I look forward to having a pension and living in my gypsy van.

What would I do if this was my place and I wanted to travel? I’d make it an attractive place to stay. I’d fix up what I could. I’d rent out space so I had an income and then I could zip off to be a nomad. A spiritual-nomad. I’d go back to the southwest. I’d go to Cerrillos. Or maybe Urique in the Barranca del Cobre. The beaches in Baja too. Is it safe? I just feel the pull of the wanderer. Go pick up dad and wander. He’s got a pension. I can make money. We can drift around. I wonder if PT would want to wander? I doubt it. Could I go and come back? What kind of relationship do we have? How much does he need to live here? Just calculated. He can do it for $1400, especially if the kids come home and chip in. They can all make it here. It’s an interesting proposition to propose to PT.

Joy is as joy does

"Perhaps surprisingly, another important aspect of equanimity is joy. Recognizing the joy of equanimity goes across the common view that equanimity is dry, unemotional, and somewhat aloof. For the Buddha, however, mature equanimity is linked with a deep and sometimes subtle joy and happiness, characteristic of a (relative) freedom of mind and heart. Joy naturally arises, the Buddha tells us, when we no longer are hooked by what is agreeable or disagreeable in experience. As we work through our attachments and aversions, we become more and more "purified and bright, malleable, wieldy, and radiant," "peaceful" and "sublime."