The need to understand

My mind races quite a bit lately. I am filled with a desperate need to understand. Does P love me? Am I a decent person? Do I matter?

I wake up with anxiety. I have an overwhelming need to make sure nothing is slipping by me and yet, at the same time I want to slip out, slip away and be responsible for no-one. Nothing.

My father is visiting. I heard myself use a harsh tone with him last night. Impatient w/ confusion. P is confused a lot too. The two men in my life that I care about. The two that I am most desperate to have know me, understand me, care about me, guide me. Neither can.

I spoke with my mother yesterday on the phone and she speaks about my brother Chris and his family returning to NY state. She notes that when Christopher comes home everything will be good. Everyone will be home the way it is supposed to be. I comment, "well almost, everyone." She rebounds with "we all figure you can get here quick if you need to."

No I can't. Do I want to? Do I want to be part of a family that doesn't really care one way or the other about my existence?

Do I want to be in a home with P who similarly doesn't seem to care about my existence?

Have I created this empty reality in my life by running, running, running from everything that doesn't seem to care about me.

What does caring about someone mean really? Is it hovering? Interfering in one's personal life? Really. I'm desperate to know.

I am filled with such grief. I want to cry all the time. Am I mentally unstable because I am not taking good care of myself? I've been eating tons of sugar recently and again. I am not getting any exercise. Is it as simple as eating well and getting exercise? Would I feel different? Really different?

I don't know.