Learning to be with what is.

It wants to come out... so much in my head.
Struggling.
Why struggle?

Ahhh and therein lies the question that I wrestle with each day. I debate the struggle. Let it go or go for it.

Fantasize about living a lone. A LONE. ALONE. I am agitated, uptight. Not at peace.
I watch my decisions, my sense of 'how it should be', flit in and out of flight and fight.

I feel wounded and I'm healing and I'm nervous. Intellectually I understand that PT's fight response was activated when he was awoken abruptly and furthermore he has drunk and in a deep, alcohol induced sleep. He was afraid and disoriented. I am working on not holding on to resentment. I understand that I've got to learn how to be with adversity and life. I have to relax and be with my life as it is. Breathe.

I feel so desperate to be in a peaceful environment. Calmness. Stillness. But with attention, companionship, love and tenderness. Attention, and desire. My mind is tired at this moment. I want to sleep, uninterrupted.

So, I don't know about a goddamned thing. I feel completely like an alien. One moment I'm trying on the hat of forgiveness, and unconditional love and the next minute I'm bitter and resigned to having to move out because the taste of disrespect, the taste of disdain is ever present and to stay is to drag my soul through humiliation. I am not sure if I am in denile of having to face the truth that I am not respected any longer and without respect comes bitterness and hurtful behaviors. But if I leave will I be running away from the perfect opportunity to know true peace? If I leave will I find I am able to love myself and those around me more because I am not constantly stressed?

The tyranny of struggle

We must let go of the struggle. It says so in chapter 6 of the big book. Its not enough to not pick up. We must let go of all the struggles in our lives, not just with food. Someone last night in the meeting said that if she is debating then she's already lost.

I like that.

I haven't binged in many days. I haven't eaten compulsively since at least before last Saturday when I had the melt down with PT. Well, to be honest, its been since this past Monday evening. At the CRT on Monday I picked up three tortilla chips before I had insight into my compulsive behavior. It doesn't really matter that they were not on my "do not eat" list. What mattered was that I was absent mindedly picking up. 

I feel like I'm into step three. I remember taking step three a few years ago w/ Bob.... and it was profound for the time. This time... I feel more resigned. Perhaps resigned isn't quite the right word. I feel like I believe it more. I hear myself turning it over. I am experiencing the release that comes with trust. I'm not feeling pollyannaish, but, perhaps a bit uncertain, fearful even. I have acted "as if" and it is rather miraculous that the obsessive thoughts do seem to be lifted.  I feel very willing to stop the struggle. I see that part of this process is practicing mindfullness.  I am naming my experiences. I'm watchful. I'm tuned into the feelings of craving and in that moment, I've been noting the body sensations and the state of my mind. Recognizing the demon seems to be part of the journey. See it and let it go. Or is it also, the notion of "stay with it". I think that when I stay with it, I am able to fully experience that which I've been hiding from. In the process of seeing what's going on I can choose to take action or I can choose to surrender, which is, in essence, also the notion of giving it over to God. Trusting that God will guide me to make the best choice in a given moment if only I can step back from reactive, compulsive behavior and trust that the god energy in my life will wisely guide me. 

Give it over to God to help me in all my affairs, especially with my affairs of living because it is the affairs of living that have been setting me up for compulsive behaviors around food and also, to be honest, with rage and with codependency. What is it they say in OA? Let go and let god. I like that. I do the leg work. I say no. I make good choices. I drink a glass of water first thing in the morning. I take my fish oil. I breathe when PT rants and rages. I eat dark leafy greens. I get some exercise. Stop the struggle. Stop trying to control PT. Mourn your loses. Mourn the loss of your sexuality. Mourn the fact that the house will probably never be finished. Mourn the fact that PT will not do what he is supposed to do. Mourn the fact that you merged your life with a man who isn't able to love me that way I want to be loved. Mourn the fact that he creates chaos and that the actions he should take to protect our home he is unwilling to do. Accept it all and move on. Do what I need to do to feel secure. Save my money. Save. Save. Save. Then perhaps I will be more secure. I wanted a man to take care of me. Deep down. I wanted the emotionally security of being loved unconditionally. I have to accept that the only entity that can love me unconditionally is myself. I am god. God is me. If I love myself unconditionally, then I will have enough love to love others. The struggles will take care of themselves.

February 5 and 30 days to go.

This morning I am needy. Edgy. Feel invisible. Is this my disease or is it real. If its real, can I stay present to the feelings? Can I not lash out? Can I not eat? Can I not smoke dope or drift into depression and despair? Can I manage myself?

The truth is, -I don't know.

This is my road to freedom.

I'm going to abstain from pot and also continue my journey of food abstinence. For one month. I know, I know. Am I setting myself up for failure? Or am I embarking on a journey of courage? Can I live a happy life without drowning my fear and anxiety and anger and loneliness in food and pot? Maybe. I'd like to try. Starting today. One month. An entry about the process every day. So... today is February 5th. 30 days from now will be: March 7th. Ready, set go!!!!

6pm..
Still weepy today. Sad. Needy. Still. Just sucked on a whip cream can. Couple of swallows. Ugh. I really, really want to get beyond this deep sadness and loneliness. I want this fucking deep hole to be filled. I want peace. I want peace. I want to accept my life - as it is. I feel so much. I feel so much sadness. I feel angry too. I want to lash out at PT and I wish he were more grown up. I wish he was wise and loving. I wish he loved me. I wish he wanted me. I wish I was special to someone. I wish I was loved. I wish I was missed. I wish PT would treat me sweetly, special. Yearn for me. Want me. I feel so indispensable. If I disappeared, who would care?

I hope these feelings pass.

Feb. 6

My body feels so heavy. Each limb a burden to carry me upstairs. I ache. To sit on the floor is a struggle. To get up slow. Very slow. Labored. I am stiff. Old. My knees, my calves, my ankles, my feet. My heart beats noticeably with some regularity. Pain in my midright center chest, or back.

Engaged with the work these last few days. PT and I watched Gabor Mate talk about addiction this morning. Powerful. Intelligent. Last night a melt down. What came out in my anguish... "I just want to be wanted" "I feel so unwanted" This morning, considering the old association of sex equals love.... I feel unloved. If you don't want to make love to me then you must not love me. Early childhood -  love abandonment... my mother who was unavailable, uninterested (I guess.. you know, I don't really know... but I guess, I can surmise given her later years with me when she was so emotionally unavailable.) Anyhow, through watching the video this morning I'm diving into the deep love connection.

The road called chaos

Our task now is to learn how to deal with uncertainty, not as a temporary state, but as a condition of life. 


How do we maintain our clarity, focus and stamina as we move with life's changing rhythms and directions? How do we avoid holding on to old patterns and behaviors that no longer serve? How do we find ground when the rug keeps getting pulled out from under us? And, most importantly, how do we make a meaningful contribution in the midst of so much chaos and instability?


My journey is to be with my life as it is.

and the house rattled with the sounds of an angry, drunk, obsessive compulsive man.

Tonight my heart is racing. The house has banged and rattled with the sound of an angry, drunk, obsessive compulsive man.  This is it. This is my life. Be here now. Breathe.

Be Peace. Be Peace. Be kind to myself. Be kind to others. I worry for PT. I worry for him. He is speaking in a very despondant tone tonight. I have to admit, I've never heard him so dark. He and GC had an argument.. about GC telling him that he's not been a good friend and PT saying that he has no idea what GC is even talking about. I think GC is dying of cancer and they both know it and they are mighty lousy about handling such heavy feelings and so they are lashing out at each other. It pains me.