Look within

What a painful evening.
He is so resistant to communicating, to being honest.

He sees me as insane. Doesn't think he does anything wrong. Sees me as the antagonist.  Says I'm so dissatisfied.

I am.

With myself.

He accuses me of being manipulative. I disagree.

I want to be truthful. Say what I need. Not play games.

I smoked a lot of pot over the last few days and I ate really unhealthy food. I wonder how much it contributes to me feeling neglected, anxious, wanting more.

PTT doesn't handle any conflict well. He thinks if anyone has a problem with him its a call to arms. I want him to be more tolerant. I want him to be different than he is. I do not want to be treated badly. He is most likely to treat me or anyone poorly by being neglectful.

I want to be loved, wanted. Cherished.

I want to love, want and cherish myself. I don't know how. I'm thinking about this idea about dissolving the dualism. Embracing those aspects of ourselves that we most resist. I keep trying to make piece with myself. I don't like how I'm aging. I don't like being ignored. I'm hiding behind my old fat self because I can't stand how I'm changing. Does he ignore me because I'm an aging old fat woman? I hate that I'm fat. I look at pictures of my friend Edie and she is so beautiful at 50. I am so blah. Old. Fat.

I feel a lot of angst.  I want to run away.  I do not want to be thrown away.

What to do, what to do.

Make a plan. Peter hates that I want to plan.

Planning is the only thing that helps me stay on course.

I have to eat well. I have to exercise. I have to have time to write. I have to find time to meditate, play with the dogs, get together with friends.

I hate that the only answer is to go within. I want desperately to be taken care of, loved.

I need to take care of myself. Love myself.

I'll show you.

Its been 3 hours since he walked out of the house and I have to admit that I'm feeling a lot of agitation. Fear.
Its down in my gut. I just remembered that I told him that I thought he'd been acting like an arrogant jerk all day.

I still hear him muttering "keep it up" as though its a threat and somehow what ever I am feeling isn't reasonable and I should be on alert that my behavior is so egregious that dire consequences will follow.

I feel like I'm being punished. For what? Wanting my partner's attention? For wanting to have a bit of conversation upon his arrival home? For wanting to connect emotionally after days of him being involved with his kids? For being pissed that he threw me a half-assed "thanks" for something he couldn't even be bothered to explain, let alone be genuinely present with me about.

I'm afraid he'll end our relationship because he feels I'm too needy.

What's too needy?

I have needs. I want to be acknowledged after a busy couple of days. I want to be seen and appreciated. I feel hurt still from the fight earlier in the night. I can see my role in it, but I want to have my feelings respected and acknowledged.

He's been gone for more than three hours and it feels like a virtual slap in the face. As though he is shouting, "I'll teach you to interrupt my radio show!" "I'll show you what happens to women who dare to challenge me when I'm feeling antisocial!" "I'll show you what happens to women who dare to love me and hold me accountable." That's it, isn't it? It's the accountability thing. "I'll be a dick if I want to and don't you dare say anything about it or I'll show you. I'll make damn sure you don't get the one thing you want from me.. me! "

I feel ashamed of having needs. I want to be wanted. Being wanted is demonstrated through honesty, through communication.  Being wanted is demonstrated by being gracious, by being attentive.

I've felt like I've been fending for myself since Thursday afternoon. I got nice compliments about the meal preparations. Since then, I've felt unnoticed.

a matter of weirdness

I'm on fire, burning mad again!
Is it me? Is it him?
Me. Its me of course. I'm the one willing to look, so, of course its me.

How quickly I can spit out hostility. Why?

Why, why, why am I sitting here feeling fear, (because as he left the house two hours ago, he muttered 'keep it up" and I fired back, "yeah, well you just think about how kind YOU have been the past 24 hours!" Fear of what? That he'll reject me?

All I've ever really wanted is just to be cherished. Loved unconditionally. I've wanted a parent to love me unconditionally. I wanted a grown up man to be my lover and partner and to love me unconditionally. Well... really what I mean is cherish me. Someone to see me and appreciate me and cherish me. Love me.

He storms out of the house like an adolescent who has decided that he doesn't like to be accountable and who can just say what ever he wants and behave with callus and disdain when ever the mood so strikes him. NO, as a matter of fact. I do not want to listen to the story on the radio. I want to greet you, and catch up with you about your day. See if you'd received my email, and what you thought. I want to connect with you, my partner, my human. But you.. you just want to delve into a radio story, shut out the world, tune it all out. Accuse me of acting weird.
We clash.

But what to do? I hate the way things are when it gets like this.

It sucks. But can we see it? Can we name it? Can we minimize the hurt and fear and hostility? Can we get out of our stories? Can we handle waiting to get what we want?

How much of this is about me seeing pictures of myself and feeling a sense of disdain and loathing come over me with regard to my size? A lot, I bet.

Dissolve the Dualism

I've spent a good part of the night and into this early morning stewing about how I've been wronged by PTT. We agreed to watch the rest of the movie (he, myself and his daughter AGT) in the morning, due to technical troubles with the DVD. When I get up to pee two hours later I see he is watching the film w/ headphones on. I'm outraged. I feel slighted. I feel disappointed that we can't all watch the film together and more importantly, I'm mad that we won't have the opportunity to share that wonderful period, post viewing, when we share our impressions, thoughts, joys and disappointments about the film. I saw his behavior as evidence of lack of sensitivity to AGT and myself. I decided he was childish and selfish and accused him of breaking his agreement to watch the film today; this, after he protested that he didn't know if we'd watch it today or not. I continued to feel angry because he was lashing out at me in defense of himself in the face of my outrage. I then was angry that he wasn't listening to my anger.

Now, as I reflect further on the situation, I see that my reaction was purely based on imagined outcomes. It was selfish and childish. PTT is hard of hearing. Naturally its better for him with the headphones; something he can't do when AGT and myself are watching the film with him, and particularly because this DVD didn't have subtitle capability. There was no reason why we couldn't get up this morning and watch the film together, or me and AGT could have watched it or I could simply watch it and then we could all have post viewing discussions.

So ultimately, I see that I was in the wrong. I created misery because I was reactive to imaginary outcomes. Could Peter have handled my dismay better. Yes. But that is his journey, not mine.

I turn to my little Pema Chodron book and open to the page titled, "Relax as it is" wherein she reminds that we can stop struggling with what occurs and see its true face without calling it the enemy. It helps to remember that our spiritual practice is not about accomplishing anything - not about winning or losing - but about relaxing as it is. That is what we are doing, she writes, when we sit down to meditate. That attitude spreads into the rest of our lives.

Yes. of course. I see it perfectly. I see it too as I examine the deeper truths about eating and with wanting my life to be different, about fleeing from my life as it is.

Pema Chodron writes, "How do we stop struggling with ourselves?" Geneen Roth asks the same question. I see that I'm in constant struggle with myself. Pema continues, "Go to those places that scare us!" She writes that the elemental fear is with our feelings of being wrong, with our guilt and shame at what we are. "Befriend that side of ourselves!" she writes.

Others refer to it as our shadow side.

Befriend the parts of ourselves we most reject. The point is to dissolve the dualism. Dualism between us and them, between this and that, between here and there. Pay attention. Move toward that which we find difficult and toward that which we wish to push away.

Full, yet so empty.

Darkness settles over the room. 4:20 pm.

Its the day after Thanksgiving where I had a pretty marvelous day until I was called out to clean "the room" for one of PTT's kids to sleep in, by one of PTT's other kids. I felt resentful and bugged. I didn't want to clean that room. Wanted kid to sleep in one of the other sleeping spots (in the loft, or downstairs with brother, or some other setup that didn't involve that room). I resented older kid pushing the envelop with me regarding my space. I guess that's because I like complete access to that space and I want to clean it on my time table and I feel embarrassed at the same time because I don't like people to see me in this messy state.

So, I'm left with the understanding that the visitor will sleep with brother downstairs. I'm told there is a futon and instructed to get sheets. I give to the sister, she disappears down the stairs.  All is fine until 5 am this morning when dogs need to go out and I stumble half asleep into that room to get coat/boots etc and discover a sleeping body on a futon right in the middle of the room with no walking room anywhere.

Roar!  Boy am I mad at his son for deceiving me.I really hate to be lied to, deceived.

I've been eating for days and I think I'll stop now. I'm feeling utterly disconnected from my self.

Bringing personal order

This morning I feel hell-bent on taking back my life. I've mapped out the details that include yoga and treadmill. I plan to eat well today. I'm also going to call and make appointment to see urologist and this evening, I plan to spend 30 minutes sorting clothes and 60 minutes sorting bills/office stuff.

I'm also aware that if I plan dinner (s) that will help relieve some stress for Peter... So, let me take a few minutes to find some dinner ideas:
Chickpea stew and tossed salad (chickpeas, cilantro, coriander and cumin seed, red potato, red onion)
Braised winter veggies and Pasta and salad (lima beans, butternut squash cubes, califlower and white wine)

Kindness Matters

How can I be kind to myself? New list!
Moving!
Finishing!
Dancing!
Laughing!
Planning!
Flowing!

Only Kindness Heals

I am binging. I am watching. I am anxious, sullen, stoned. Resentful. Do not want to do chores, plan or participate.

I am curious.

4:25 pm It is dark. I resent the darkness. I want to fight what is.

I'm practicing mindfulness about eating 2 whoopie pies. So,  I ask myself:  what was it? What was going on for me at the time I was thinking about buying them and at the time I was eating them? When I was thinking about buying them I was just thinking about the pleasure of eating them. It was a calming feeling. Something I was looking forward to.

While I was eating them I became aware that I want to be seen. 

AHA! MOMENT:  Having an addiction is a way to draw attention to myself. Pay attention to me! 

The deep question that I'm trying to resolve is: If I get sick enough will you care for me? 

Self destruction as a way to feed the insatiable hole in my soul. I can't look, -its so bad. But, I'm dying to be seen. Why can't i see myself?

"Hell is not being where you want to be." Stephen Levine  Yeah, ok. Can I take this in and sort it out? I don't like where I'm at. I'm lonely. I'm worried about my health, my future. I have codependency issues and he's got a tendency towards avoidance.

Polarizing. It's nuts. I'm acting on this belief. A belief that he's not gonna notice unless its big - in the same way that his son FT knows that the only way to get his father to see him is to always make a grand entrance, be a comic, a clown. Me? I'm gonna kill myself with food and/or cancer just to be noticed.

How fucked up is that? 

"And when you fight with the way things are, you always lose because you’re fighting with something that can’t be fought with.

But what you can do is relax."

I'm trying, but I'm binging. I'm procrastinating. I'm lost in my imagination.

Geneen Roth continues:

"People often ask me what they can do to fix their “weight problem.” How they can get rid of it, swat it away like a fly or a tick. (They don’t say “like a fly or a tick! That’s the visual I get when someone asks me that question). 


But here’s the thing: We can’t fix or get rid of a part of ourselves. The relationship with food, no matter how conflicted or painful, is a way that we are expressing a part of ourselves. 


What part of myself am I expressing???


Our thoughts, our feelings, our beliefs. If we want to change what we are doing with food, we must first understand it, turn towards it, treat it with curiosity and tenderness. Isn’t it amazing that we keep eating past full? Isn’t if curious that although we make ourselves extremely uncomfortable, we keep doing the same thing again and again? Think of the relationship with food as a way you are trying to get your own attention. 


OMG!


Approach it and yourself as you would a child that acts out in the only way she knows. Only kindness heals. Nothing else will work."


Here, Geneen Roth speaks about the idea that I'm trying to get my own attention. (Not his). So, am I looking? Or am I hiding my head in the sand? Breathe.
Only kindness heals. Am I being kind to myself? When I am kind to myself, I will be kind to PTT. And the rest of the world.

Love is the only way

Yesterday morning we pushed through with more conversation about how to be with one another. I talked about a need for quid pro quo... He wants me to be more tolerant of his behavior. I want him to be more loving, present and real with me. I want him to treat me with courtly gallantry. It went ok and we had a lovely day together. It occurred to me that I can keep a list of his positive, loving interactions with me. I think that will help keep me in the loving/kindness awareness mode. Presently he is playing very beautiful choral music. A lovely awakening for a Sunday Morning.

Do I endure or do I practice acceptance and find true peace?

Am I cruel? Am I a bully? That's how PTT is characterizing me. I hate it when I come home and he's drunk. I hate it when he gets sloshy drunk. Why?

Because he's not attractive, because his lovey dovey behavior is dis-ingenuous. Because drunks are egocentric and boring because they can't listen. Because I want to be able to talk to him, plan with him, get shit done. I want to be heard. I want authentic connection. I want to feel adored, cared about, loved. I want him to like me, be interested in me. He says he is. Why do I constantly yearn for more? Am I co-dependent? Do i suffer from wanting more? Wait... I am codependent! I too am an addict. I'm the one who is all of the things I blame PTT for.

He has ADHD. He is an alcoholic. Of course he can not give me the emotional support and care that I want or need. Make peace with it dear woman.

I'm worried that it is just like PTT says, that's I'm perpetually discontented, perpetually sad.

I do feel chronically discontent with him as a partner. I do feel chronically sad by the lack of emotional connection, the lack of attention to taking care of what needs to get done, to the lack of care about my emotional needs. I feel perpetually lonely.

So... is that about PTT or is that about me? Do I want to move? Not really. What can I do, what can I truly do to make peace with our living situation as it is? Let go of my disapproval, let go of my desire for him as a loving mate. Let him go. Make peace with life AS IT IS. Isn't that at the heart of my Buddhist understanding? And yet, at the same time, didn't I just read a passage in the book by Pema Chodron about not having to endure? Is that what I'm proposing to myself? To endure? Or is the truth as simple as changing the way you look at things... is it as simple as changing one's perspective from endure to peace through acceptance? Do I really suffer, except  for the loneliness? Except for the yearning I have to be deeply loved? Can I work on just simply addressing my own issues? Can I work on loving myself, loving god? Will that be enough?

Longing for peace

I feel resentful that I came home at 4:30 in the afternoon yesterday to find PTT full-on drunk. I feel resentful that I'm presently up at 5:30 and he has gottan up too and immediately launches into a loud complaint about how much he hated the movie we watched last night, -the movie that he slept through good chunks of. And now he is playing a loud news clip on his computer and what I wanted was to get up and have some quiet time to reflect and plan my day with some peace.

Sigh. What to do?

I continue to tell myself I need to be accepting. Loving. Supportive. But I hate coming home to a drunk. I hate the grandiosity, the exaggerated take on his day's events (the most amazing ground beef). I hate having to retell the news of my day over and over. I hate that there is no one to talk with or talk things through. I hate how boring drunks are.I hate that AGT was having a significant event in her life and PTT was drunk and unavailable for emotional support to her or to myself.

I hate that if I complain it will be a big angry fight or scene.

I long for a peaceful, loving, adult house free of delusion and lies. I feel disdainful. 

What can I do?

Sometimes, like tonight, the pain is white lightning hot. Fierce. Piercing. My heart races. I breathe through it still.

I am aware and yet detached. What can I do? The cost of health care is out of reach, -today.

It's just like that.

We're out of natural gas. Gas that we heat the house with, gas that we heat the water we shower with and gas that fires the stove that we cook on. Has it even been a month since we filled the tank? Whew! I don't think either of us anticipated this kind of expense. Breathe. Breathing. Run through a quick mental list of ways to cut gas expense... turn the heat down on the house and on the hotwater heat. Stop washing clothes in hot water. Decrease the amount of loads of laundry we're doing... drying costs money! I need to make window coverings. Pronto! Measure, cut and sew!

I picked up my pocket guide to Pema Chodron and opened it. It opened to a passage I've just read recently. Powerful then, impactful tonight...
"Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing. We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem,  but the truth is that things don't ever really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and they fall apart again. It's just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy." Pema Chodron

I was trying to explain this to KH recently... that even though it sucks when PTT and her DH are insensitive, arrogant dick heads, they are also wonderful, loving friends, partners and mates. Thats just how it is. We fool ourselves into thinking we can change ourselves so simply so why can't the guys? What illusion we are under! As if we are truly successful in changing ourselves, that part of ourselves that makes our men wince, hide, ignor and snarl at us. We're not more successful at changing than the men are at changing the behaviors that make us irritable, snipy, resentful. Thats just the way it is. We come together and we fall apart and then we do it again and again. The secret is, of course to make room in our hearts for good and bad things, for things to just be and to quit fussing with everything.

Just do it.

"Jesus Christ! Who put this shit away?" Hostility rises up from the kitchen space below, interspersed with humming and singing. At first my heart clinches, then relaxes, never quite sure.

If I'm really and truly going to do this work of being mindful, loving and kind I have to get honest. I inventoried Peter's state of affairs last evening, even as I too was stoned and binging on sugar. Keep your own side of the street clean.

I read something last night about two states that meditation is supportive of... going deep and saying no. Be mindful of what you do. Make good choices and to quote James, remember the power of pause. Just say no. No to binge foods, no to food that is not healthy. Just say YES to eating well and staying alive and productive. Plan more. Just do it.

51 Ways to Spark a "Commons" Revolution

Personal Life

1. Challenge the myth that all problems have private, individual solutions.

2. Notice how many of life’s pleasures exist outside the marketplace—gardening, fishing, conversing, playing music, playing ball, making love, watching sunsets, and much more.

3. Take time to enjoy what the commons offers. As the radical Brazilian educator Paulo Freire said, “We are bigger than our schedules.”

4. Introduce the children in your life to the commons. Let them see you enjoying it, and working with others to sustain it.

5. Keep in mind that security and satisfaction are more easily acquired from friends than from money.

6. Become a mentor—officially or informally—to people of all ages. Be prepared to learn as much as you teach.

7. Think about living cooperatively with housemates.

8. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

9. Have some fun. The best reason to restore the commons is to enrich our lives.

Community Life

10. Put on a potluck. Throw a block party. Form a community choir, slow-food club, Friday night poker game, May Day festival, or any other excuse for socializing.

11. Walk, bike, or take transit when you can. It’s good for the environment, and for you. You meet very few people while driving your car.

12. Treat commons spaces as if you own them (which, actually, you do). Keep an eye on the place. Tidy things up. Report problems or repair things yourself. Initiate improvement campaigns.

13. Offer a smile or greeting to people you pass. The commons begins with connecting—even in brief, spontaneous ways.

14. Get out of the house and spend some time on the stoop, the front yard, the street—anywhere you can join the river of life.

15. Create or designate a “town square” for your neighborhood—a park, playground, vacant lot, community center, coffee shop, or even a street corner—anywhere folks naturally want to gather.

16. Lobby for more public benches, water fountains, plazas, parks, sidewalks, bike trails, playgrounds, and other crucial commons infrastructure.

17. Conduct an inventory of local commons. Publicize your findings and suggest ways to celebrate and improve these community assets.

18. Organize your neighbors to stop crime and to defuse fear of crime, which can dampen community spirits more than crime itself.

19. Remember streets belong to people, not just automobiles. Drive cautiously and push for traffic calming and other improvements that remind motorists they are not kings of the road.

Money & the Economy

20. Buy from local, independent businesses when possible. (amiba.net, livingeconomies.org).

21. Before buying something online, see if you can find it or order it locally. That keeps some of your money in the community.

22. Investigate how many things you now pay for you could get in more cooperative ways—check out DVDs at the library, quit the health club and form a morning jogging club, etc.

23. Start a neighborhood exchange to share everything from lawn mowers to child care and home repairs to vehicles.

24. Barter. Trade your skill in baking pies with someone who will fix your computer.

25. Look into creating a Time Dollars system (timebanks.org) or locally-based currency. (smallisbeautiful.org).

26. Organize a common security club. You are not on your own when it comes to economic woes. (commonsecurityclubs.org)

27. Watch where your money goes. How do the businesses you patronize harm or help the commons?

28. Purchase fair trade, organic, and locally made goods from small producers as much as you can.

Social Change

 29. Oppose cutbacks in public assets like transit, schools, libraries, parks, social services, police and fire, and arts programs.

30. Support activists around the globe working for debt relief, environmental protection, human rights, worker rights, sustainable development, rights of indigenous people, and action on climate change.

31. Take every opportunity to talk with elected officials and local activists about the importance of protecting the commons. Do the same with citizens groups, nonprofit organizations, labor unions, professional societies, and business leaders.

32. Protest private profit from products created with research paid for by taxpayers. Demand that publicly-funded research data be available to everyone on the Internet.

33. Write letters to the editor about the commons, post on local websites, call in to talk radio, tell your friends.

34. Learn from everywhere. What can Germany teach us about health care? India about wellness? Africa about community solidarity? Indigenous nations about the commons itself? What bright ideas can we borrow from a nearby neighborhood or town?

Environment

35. Pick up litter that is not yours.

36. Avoid bottled water. Tap water is generally safer. If you have concerns about your water supply, get a filter, then pressure local officials to clean it up.

37. Become a guerrilla gardener, planting flowers and vegetables on neglected land in your neighborhood.

38. Organize a community garden (communitygarden.org) or local farmers market.

39. Roll up your sleeves to restore a creek, wetland, woods, or grassland, or beautify a vacant lot.

40. Remember that everything that goes down your drain, on your lawn, in your garbage, or into your storm sewer eventually winds up in our water or air.

41. Seek new ways to use less energy and create less waste at home and work.

42. Form a study group to explore what can be done to promote sustainability in your community.

43. Purchase goods—beer to clothing to hardware—made as close to home as possible. Shipping goods long distances stresses the environment.

Information & Culture 

44. Patronize and support your public library.

45. Demand that schoolchildren not become a captive audience for marketing campaigns.

46. Contribute your knowledge to online commons such as Wikipedia, open education projects, and open-access journals. Form your own online community to explore commons issues.

47. Use Creative Commons licenses for your own writing, music, videos, and other creative pursuits.

48. Conceive a public art project for your community.

Commons Consciousness

49. Think of yourself as a commoner and share your enthusiasm. Raise the subject in conversation, art, professional circles, and organizations with which you are involved.

50. Launch a commons discussion group or book club with your neighbors and colleagues, or at your church, synagogue, or temple. (onthecommons.org)

51. Spread some hope around. Explain how commons-based solutions can remedy today’s pressing problems.

 

(From YES Magazine, by Jay Walljasper

Speak!

Tonight I admonished my dear PTT.

"It begins with the adult!" I say.  "The adult must always make the first move with the child. That's just how it works!" You say you're not going to say you are sorry for something that isn't your fault. Indeed! I agree. You must come from your own personal truth. Say that you are sorry for that which you are indeed sorry for... -perhaps you are sorry it has come to this. Perhaps you are sorry that so much time has gone by and you are missing your dear son."

"It doesn't matter, so much as its delivered with an air of kindness, openness, truthfulness, humility. It must be your own genuine truth. Speak from your authentic, loving self. You have nothing to loose."

"And you must listen. And not react."

To myself I think that he must be the "grow-up", the loving parent that Brooks is yearning for, -a yearning that's been disguised as "hostility" and "abandonment". I desperately want PTT to understand that -"It takes an adult to see this particular truth and it takes an adult to offer up tenderness as healing."

I want him to really see himself, to have a powerful "aha!" moment. I want him to understand that it takes a lot of courage, real courage to step into the sagely role of an "adult" especially when the child who needs you to take the role is counting on you."

"It takes intentional action, backed by clarity of mind and the absolute conviction that what you want is worth the courage it takes. If having a loving, open and honest relationship with your son Brooks is worth it to you, then step up! This ain't the time to hide behind contemplation, or any other unnecessary stalling technique."

"Adults take action out of loving insight and true wisdom. They do what's right! That's the evolutionary path of a human being.
'

I left the room and I've arrived here. Breathing. Writing. Trusting. Breathing.

Just for today.

Today I would like to eat healthy. Simple food. Clean food.

Today I would like to be active.

Today I will be kind, and loving.

Leave it Alone and Live in Grace.

Mercedes Sosa's voice fills the air. Ripe and full. Round. I dream of Guatemala. I dream of tropical plants and warm smells. I'm unpacking and creating my home, my living space.  I've found the red paper mache toucan in a box I've unpacked, and I hang him over the edge of the stair well. A surprise, a smile.

The sun is shining as bright as it will get this time of year... the windows are open. PTT is painting the front door blue. We are in sync. The house is peaceful, at ease.

I'm unpacking books, wishing that the assembly of the bookshelves would go more smoothly, and yet enjoying the process of laying out the books in categories the signify the range of my interests. I'm fond of books the way I am fond of old friends, memories that make me feel secure, warm, inspired, alive.

I'm hanging the baubles in my life. Its part of settling in for me. Hanging things that twirl and swing. Adding a sense of enchantment. Whimsy. Old necklaces, colored glass strung on a string. Bells. Memories that thread a  ribbon of continuity to my days on earth.

I've recently become enchanted with paper cranes. Origami paper cranes. I want to have people in the house make 100 of them and for each bird, they should make a wish. I'd like to string four strands of 25 each for Christmas. Make a list of 100 wishes. Memories to come.

AGT is here, on her way to Harlan and Marie's w/ her brothers. Not very talkative today. I have a hard time making peace with it. I think the kids are too aloof. Not very friendly as a rule. It makes me sad.

 I'll tell her about the crane project later. I secretly hope she'll be into it. Maybe she and a girlfriend will sit around the table and make a bunch of them. Maybe.

 Nothing personal. That's how it is, isn't it? I've been thinking about this concept since visiting w/ KH last evening.and thinking of how we talked in depth about the tension between staying and leaving. Sick of the fight, yearning for the higher meadow, -greener as in are we looking for the greener pasture, the greener side of the fence? Ha!

The koan is, of course: how do we fully feel the pain and accept the truth it reveals of not being in a partnership that fulfills our most primal desire for deep connection?
Don't take it personally.

Leave it alone. Leave ourselves alone. Take care of what we can, say no when we need to and don't worry about the rest of it.  Act from wisdom. Remember that we can't count on what we've previously learned isn't reliable. Celebrate what works, move around what doesn't.

PTT calls up the stairs... "oh by the way, thanksgiving is off." "Greta has invited HC & AGT and FT & Chelsea for thanksgiving."

I wonder why its ok to blow off their father. It's bad manners. Its unkind to PTT.

Ah well. What can we do? Don't take it personally. Step into the day with love and make our own fun. No worries. They'll come back and it will be ok.

Back to the peace cranes. They seem like a sweet way to practice living in grace.

How to make a origami crane video.

The promise of Order

I had no idea it would be so luxurious! Or so big, or so well made! At long last Mike delivered the wished for sink counter for the kitchen. It seems as though there has been some sort of energy shift and I'm hopeful things will continue to move forward. Its hard for humans in general to be in limbo. They adapt, of course, but the stress of the unknown takes it toll. My journey is to learn to glide. I want routine, order, continuity, consistency.

I am feeling unwell, physically, this morning. The growth in my urinary tract continues to cause pressure and pain. My ankle, knee and hip joints ache and I am not feeling very peaceful about the bulge of fat around my mid-section. My work schedule has been erratic and therefore I've not eaten well or exercised with any frequency or consistency. I'd like to change that. My thoughts are to establish some order this weekend. Somehow. I need to pay bills, I can tidy up the clothes room, I can put order upstairs, finish putting my books away, add some whimsy. With order, perhaps a schedule will emerge that includes time on the treadmill, time for yoga, time for food planning.

The day is promising to be bright and warm. Good! No wind! I'm only working until 11:30, then off to Camden for girl energy with HN and KH. I'll enjoy it. Maybe even Meeting Brook this weekend!

On the Fence

If I am really practicing I instantly become aware of how much time I spend in spaces of discontent. Complaining either out loud or in my head is a predominant state of mind.

I am aware that I am aging. Yesterday I gazed at my face and when I pulled my skin back like they do for a face lift, I saw youth return. When I released my skin it fell blandly back into its gravitational sag.The tone is slipping away. I've acquired the middle aged woman's waddle under my chin.

I yearn for a certain grace, a sense of place that is uncluttered, ordered. I'm aware of how I could be more enthusiastic about taking charge of creating order in this house under construction, but I prefer, -I choose to sit and watch the ducks (no blue herons this morning), browse the internet, write a little, dream about the home I want to live in.

I want to blame PTT. What I really want is for him to be different.

And yet, the truth is that I am in this situation because I do not choose to leave it or change it. I'm on the fence.  Am I just chasing after the illusion of the future? My wise mind would suggest yes. My wise mind would suggest no.

I'm not a carpenter. I don't have the resources to take over the construction of the house. Patience is the virtue that is always in my face. I want to take over, order him to do the work that I want done and force him to do it in my time frame. I don't feel very Buddha like. I feel suppressed anger and resentment. I do not like living in a house without out storage, without a functioning kitchen sink, without a bathroom sink, with stairs half finished, a bathtub thats not hooked up, no shower door, no kitchen cabinets, no kitchen counters, no place to hang clothes, no living room furniture. I feel frustrated that I can't manage the disposable income we have coming in. I hate the uncertainty of every decision we make together. I hate knowing that I really and truly cannot count on him to do anything that he states that he will do.

So, what to do. Move out? Make peace?
Sigh.

Hold on tight dear birds

Its a blustery morning outside. I can hear the wind howling, the sky is low and heavily clouded and the big blue herons cling to their perches, backsides facing into the gales. There are three birds this morning. A family? Not sure, though its been my experience to see groups of three throughout the summer and now into the fall. Its a gifted privilege I have: A) to live in this magnificent house of windows looking out over the beautiful marshland and forests surrounding this robust little stream.& B) to have the financial resources to afford to live here and even more important to have been able to purchase a fine pair of binoculars such that I am allowed these intimate views of the big birds...


I'm on my third cup of coffee and the dogs are beginning to stir and the cat would like me to notice that his breakfast bowl needs to be filled. The other humans in my home are still sleeping. Its a transition time, not quiet silent, not robust and I feel a bit resistant to change. I love this reflective time of day wherein I am alone with my muse. Ahead of me are 12 hours of teaching, meetings, learning. The pace will pull me along. I'll probably spend more time in reaction rather than reflection and intentional action and yet, I know too that this work is touched by the sacred and I will silently remind myself to stay present, to stay centered; to speak authentically, and from a place of loving kindness. There are many others who will weave their way through my world today; many of whom are full of pain, remorse, despair. They'll look for peace, insight, and love. May I be centered, awake and open to enveloping them into my circle.