Awakening

Good enough. Differentiation. A concept where one learns to be with another person fully without losing oneself. A good enough relationship is differentiated. I loose myself. I am deep into this work right now. I am outside myself. Observing. Witnessing.  I've been witnessing the foundation of my fears in flashbacks. I've been witnessing the splicing of myself from meaningful relationships. I've been witnessing myself as alienated. Attachment w/ my mother. My mother is the basis of my fears, my anxieties, my need for approval, my anger. She did the best she could. She was a good enough mother. I need these neurons to rearrange themselves though. Can I continue to live w/ PT? Not sure. I'm always trying to live through the most difficult situations just to prove that I am spiritually superior. Will it make a difference in the rest of my life if I can really and truly learn to differentiate? PT isn't going to suddenly become warm and fuzzy. He isn't going to learn how to get organized. He isn't going to suddenly take care of the things he needs to take care of.
 He has not incentive to grown up. So what am I going to do? Take care of myself. Redefine what my life should look like? Redefine my goals?

So.. What do I want? I want power. I want my sexual power back. I want my body back. I want to be alive with creative energy. I want to be effective and I want recognition. I also want peace, and beauty. I want order. I want rhythm. I want health. I want to be clear. I want real courage and I want clarity.

What are the actions I must take? Clean upstairs. Make a daily routine schedule. Be of service. Be active. Stop smoking weed. Meditate. Do yoga. Get on the treadmill. Go for walks. Embrace the dark. Embrace the cold. Make food that is healthy to eat. Stop making excuses. Start now. Be love.