I am tired. Right now. But this too shall pass.

"If we learn to open our hearts, anyone, including the people who drive us crazy, can be our teacher."
— Pema Chödrön


"Life is glorious, but life is also wretched. It is both. Appreciating the gloriousness inspires us, encourages us, cheers us up, gives us a bigger perspective, energizes us. We feel connected. But if that's all that's happening, we get arrogant and start to look down on others, and there is a sense of making ourselves a big deal and being really serious about it, wanting it to be like that forever. The gloriousness becomes tinged by craving and addiction. On the other hand, wretchedness--life's painful aspect--softens us up considerably. Knowing pain is a very important ingredient of being there for another person. When you are feeling a lot of grief, you can look right into somebody's eyes because you feel you haven't got anything to lose--you're just there. The wretchedness humbles us and softens us, but if we were only wretched, we would all just go down the tubes. We'd be so depressed, discouraged, and hopeless that we wouldn't have enough energy to eat an apple. Gloriousness and wretchedness need each other. One inspires us, the other softens us. They go together."
— Pema Chödrön (Start Where You Are: A Guide to Compassionate Living)


I feel like I've been run over by a truck.
I am perpetually stressed and I'm concerned that it is harming me, -emotionally, spiritually and physically.


I've been through surgery this week. I've been in quite a bit of pain. I am tired. I am tired of the issues between Peter and I and the family. Its old. I have to wonder if its just me... but every time I go there, I quickly back out. No. I live with a very difficult man. 


I called Mom. I cried. She listened. It felt good to talk with my mother. I feel so alone sometimes. She says that Shari is coming back to NY. I'm glad. I miss her. I'm so glad she is coming home. It made me sad, jealous, and amplified my sense of being all a lone in the world when she told me that Shari will stay at Tom and Rhonda's. That they are paying for her tickets to come home.


I don't even know how to fix my self. Except to quit the pot and quit the eating and start exercising.  I am tired. Right now. This too shall pass.


I came upstairs after I talked with mom and PT was a wake. I told him I needed reassurance. He scowled at me. I got tears in my eyes and he asked what I was crying about. He held me. I told him I needed reassurance because he told me he wanted me to leave. I asked him if that was still the case. He said sometimes, but not always. Not mostly. It helped. He held me for a good long while.