Birth of Order

So what is it? A frenzied mind that observes itself? What is it to be mindfully in addiction? Watching oneself cope. Noting it. Not judging, but lovingly drawing limits. A boundary.
"Not now darling."
"No dear. That's enough."
"Think of your teeth!"
"Your colon."

So, is this it? Is this the way out? Watching. Dilegent. Understanding the need for coping. Pushing through the projects all screaming to be paid attention to. All screaming to be done.

I'm pushing onward, but this room project is still far from complete. I'm trying to finish before the weekend when the wonderful little Miss B comes with her fabulous Mama S and little sister Miss CJ. They are coming because Miss B would like to learn how to weave on her loom.  I want the room done because I want my outside world to reflect an interior world that is calm and sane. Calm and alive and creative and happy. I want all of these things, and pain free teeth and pretty good health.

Oh, alright. Throw in enlightenment too. Why not? But seriously, its interesting to watch myself binge and watching to see if I can come out of it, not having finished it all. And, can I see the stuff in the morning and dispose of it? Big questions for myself. This is a lonely journey, this journey out of a food addiction. Its very personal and fraught with opportunities everywhere to feel alarmed, fearful. Do I eat? Don't I eat? Should I wait for something that never comes? Should I just take care of myself? How do I merge gracefully with the rhythm of PT's world?


So it occurs to me that I'm acting as though I am healthy. I'm putting my world into order. Its quite an undertaking. But I've initiated some of the steps that I know will get me there and I'm trying to establish, lay down new habits... Such as, an organized living space. First this upstairs area... studio, work, meditation and exercise. Putting storage into sensible order. Then downstairs to the bathroom. Organizing food for transport. Shopping. Preparing and writing down food and planning meals. Or at least I'm trying. Practice is the key, right? Order, order, order. I'm craving it like mad. At work... everything is compartmentalizing. Finish, Finish, Finish. Everybody wants to wrap up things prematurely. I'm always trying to finish something. Tomorrow I'll wake up and review the job description from the Big Cheese. There are the curriculums that need attention. There are the men that need attention. And more attention. There are the volunteers, and more volunteers. And now the TANK requires me to step into a responsible role. Of course. Of course everyone has to help. Breathe.
Don't forget to Breathe.
And observe.
This too shall change.

Begin; again.

Well, its time. I've been chewing on it for a while. Months, really.
Its time to step up my life experience. Walk my desires, so to speak. Start a discipline to drop this extra weight and step into the life that  I'm trying to lead. I feel like I've been clearing the decks, laying the groundwork; foundational stuff for living here with PT. I've needed to get an understanding of how I've been responding to the situation and exacerbating it. You know... pushing the limit without really intending to. I still don't have any idea if I'm going to stay on in the household, mated to PT, but right now, its ok. I'm not fretting about it. I've been sleeping better. I'm noticing my agitations, I'm speaking my truth and I'm getting shit done.

I like the concept of evolution. I think we evolve when we surrender to the truth of our addictions; when we surrender to our fears. When we stand in our truth something shifts and fear is only a reminder to pay attention. When we are present and paying attention we have the power of courage and at the same time the peace of knowing and a sense of trust.

When I think of my own evolution is begins with a self concept make over. I want to look vibrant. I want to look attractive at any age. I believe that right now, I am on the edge of dowdy; in fact I see dowdy on more days than I care to admit. In my mind's eye I see myself as strong and agile. I see myself hiking and moving around, working, bending, walking, climbing. When I see myself doing those things, I also see myself laughing.

I think of evolution as the process of finding your voice and in that voice there is an abundance of laughter; laughter born of self confidence and an ease with not knowing.

In evolution my body is less large and not governed by cravings and mindless eating that is intended to sooth away fear and agitation.

I have plenty of tools as I begin, and begin I must even as I still do not have the upstairs complete and organized to my satisfaction. I have to push on. I see that my home life is taking on compartmentalizations just like my work life is. In someways this massive cleaning of house and organizing that I'm in the midst of has activated brain neurons that I have had on the back burner. My head buzzes most of the time with thoughts and answers and questions and imaginings. I love it. So, tomorrow I begin to implement a new discipline - eating mindfully and plan-fully. Plan-fully isn't really a word but I like the way it makes me think I'm on track, I'm not lost. I have my bearings. That's really what we have to do when we are coming into ourselves, isn't it? We have to have our bearings. So, with a plan, I've got my coordinates and I can handle what comes at me because I'm in touch with the present, I know where I am and I can tap my self, my soul, my source. I become the essence of wisdom that I know I am evolving into.

First there is the body thing. Then there is the house/survival thing. Its really all about how I live. Is there peace? Can I meditate? Can I think? Can I eat healthy? Can I love and be loved? Are we safe, emotionally and physically? Do we have what we need? Do I need to look out for myself interdependently or independently? This is still to be learned.

In any event, tomorrow dear girl, you will eat with a plan, get fit w/ a plan, play w/ your animals w/a plan and calm your mind w/ a plan. You will generally practice being present while you shift your life into your court with the tools of routine and discipline.

This is what love looks like.

Having the spirit of the whale requires outrage and discipline

Bosnia is often on my mind. I can sort of understand the connection, remembering back to the time I was first inspired in a group of woman/ empowered by the circle when I gathered with others to shout out against the male oppression, the oppression of war, the atrocities against the women of Bosnia.


I look and see the book titled S on my bookshelf. I've never been able to read it beyond the beginning chapter. Couldn't bear the pain. In this moment, I look to it and I'm ready. I note too that I heard a story on NPR yesterday about A. Jollee producing a film about the Bosnian war between the serbs and muslims. 


I'm also noting that I feel continual annoyance, resentment and anger toward Big Tree. I love him, yes, but I'm feeling a lot of rightous anger these days. I feel courageous and bold and not too tolerant of his rants, or of his bad behavior.


I feel equally outraged by the mighty and rich corporation's intent to manipulate and harm our community with its proposed project to import and distribute propane. I feel outraged at the injustice of this mega power's ability to do what ever it wants simply because of its might.


I am determined, today to conquer the mess of chaos that I am presently living in and furthermore to watch a film that the big cheese gave me to watch on quantum physics. 

Discipline: is it an achievable goal? Can one be disciplined and have a spontaneous, quality, creative, rich life? I want some serious discipline in my life. Perhaps it is a counter remedy to the world of chaos I feel thrust into. I asked Big Tree for a quiet day at home today. He cranked "This American Life" within 5 minutes. I have to explain to him that I literally meant "a quiet" day at home. He resentfully turns the radio down and then later turns it back on at less loud volume, but still loud enough for me to listen to if I choose too. I'd prefer not to be be able to listen. I like the quiet of my own thoughts. It helps me focus and imagine a life with some boundaries, goals and dreams. 


So, Margaret Wheatley writes that discipline is a strange and foreign concept to many people today, noting that we've been conditioned to follow our passion, to do what we love, to connect our work with our life's purpose so that we'll be highly motivated.  Exactly. That's why I'm wondering if I can have discipline and still smoke dope and be creative and spontaneous.  But Wheatly argues that if we don't interject discipline into our life then we end up always looking for a substitute. We seek new work, new causes, new relationships, something or somebody that will fire up our passion and make us feel motivated and alive again.  When we are propelled by passion, rather than by discipline, we end up spent, exhausted, unhappy.  We loose our capacity to persevere.


Yesterday at our staff retreat, we began by pulling an animal card and connecting w/its attributes as a teaching about ourselves. I drew the whale. I was surprised. I have never identified with the whale. Well, except that I have, recently, been thinking of painting driftwood that reminds me of flying ocean fish, mystical whales, etc. 


The whale: Here is something I found on the internet:

A Whale totem teaches you to go deep within yourself
to awaken your inner creativity.
But they also teach us not to become lost in our creative imagination,
but to live in the real world.

When a Whale totem shows up in your life, examine your own use of creativity.
Apply your own creative intuition to formulas --
this is what imbues them with power and magic.

Creativity for the sake of creativity is not what the Whale teaches.
It awakens great depth of creative inspiration, but you must add your own color and light
to your outer life to make it wonderful.

The sound of the Whale teaches us how to create with song.

The whale, along with the dolphin, are the other sentient beings of our planet.
They too are self-aware and have souls.
Accordingly to the Michael Teachings, they are on their fourth cycle,
while most of mankind is on its eleventh or twelfth cycle.

Hmmm. I wonder what that means... fourth cycle, and 11 or 12th cycle. And what are the Michael teachings? Is it something I've been exposed to before, say... in Santa Fe. Remember that woman that Becca knew... named Michael? Is it her?

Anyhow... another totem internet page simply attributes the whale with memory. Yesterday, I took away the association of the whale with the keeper of the stories. I liked that given my desire to cultivate Indigo Crow, storyteller, spoken word poet. The whale totem will have to find its way to my identity.

Pregnant with Possibility

I feel pregnant w/ possibility. Every cell feels full and ripe. My body feels as though it is growing larger and sometimes I am agitated by the situation, but mostly I feel that I'm just not ready to loose the weight and so, I am ignoring it, more or less. But, in my head I am so alive. Too full, almost. Thinking, chewing on ideas, imagining, constructing. I feel like a warrior. I feel rebellious.

What is it to be human?

WHAT IT IS TO BE HUMAN

Although it is embarrassing and painful, it is very healing to stop hiding from yourself. It is healing to know all the ways that you shut down, deny, close off, criticize people, all your weird little ways. You can know all that with some sense of humor and kindness. By knowing yourself, you’re coming to know humanness altogether. -Pema Chodron

I'm here listening to PT and his son Cypress talking while they cook up a steak (slathered in liquid smoke drenched salt and garlic paste). Its delicious, and I'm eager to share food w/ them. But I'm lost in thought these days. I'm fired up thinking about curriculum and ideas and people and also, about finding myself. It's as though energy is building, bubbling, surging out through my very core. I am calling myself Indigo Crow. I want to create. I want to create. I want to live passionately, spiritually, aesthetically, healthily, peacefully. I want to tell stories. I want to teach through story and I want to speak. I want to connect with humans. Can I continue to live here with PT? He wonders as much as I do. We are weary of the arguments. We are weary of the struggle, but are we able to see ourselves with humor and with kindness? I am painting. I want to create with all mediums. I'm going to get involved w/ a theater group. I collect sea glass, rocks, driftwood. I want to create goddesses. I want to move into this next phase of my life with joy and fearlessness.


I think about this idea of transformation all the time. How do I want to present myself to the world for the rest of my wild and passionate life? Will I find another human to share intimacy that is physical and close? Will PT and I find it? Maybe. But realistically, its not something PT wants. I don't believe he is interested in a life of reflection and service and love that is open and nurturing and courageous and real. In truth, I have come to see him as a man gripped by fear who behaves more like a cornered tiger who snarls with frightened reaction even when the coast is completely clear. He talks about others who are "drunks" with disdain even though he himself is a sloppy, uninteresting drunk himself, several times a week. Do I have a right to be disdainful? For all I know he drinks because I eat. Do I eat because he drinks?