I am rising this morning, tired of having been into the food all day yesterday and truthfully, for the past couple of weeks. Work has been hectic and fast paced and I've neglected myself. Balance, balance, balance.
Picked up Geneen Roth's book, "Appetites" and read a couple of pages that are giving me pause. I also should mention that although I have been into the food the past couple of weeks, I have also had a good couple of weeks w/ Peter. A few quarrels here and there, but truly getting along with him. I've also been studying brain development and diving into meditation again, all with the curiousness that comes with learning and applying to one's life and work that knowledge that is relevant. I've been enjoying the stimulation. I've also been slowly getting back into exercise, although its still a developing habit. I've made plans to go to a 10 day meditation retreat later in April and while on the one hand I suspect it will be very good for me and I'm curious about having the change to examine my mind and the process of mindfullness, I'm also noticing that I'm thinking about ways to get out of it... Do something else. I definitely want to go to a space where I can be quiet for 10 days, more or less. I wonder if instead, I could go somewhere else. Someplace quiet and yet still visit with my mother, sisters, dad and aunts. Just get away from here.
I could, I suppose spend time at Meeting brook over my 10 days... It would be a lot less expensive. I could slip away, if I needed to. There are retreat centers here, there, everywhere. Meetingbrook. Yes, that is a possibility.
In Geneen Roth's book I read a passage about parallel lives... She writes that "we construct Parallel lives based on what we think will make us feel worthy, beautiful, loved, while the real think, our lives, as they are, spread before us, unused, unsung. We become so convinced we have to look, think, feel act in ways that match our parallel lives. we miss the moment-to-moment unfolding that could, as last, satisfy us.
Buried beneath all of this is the root cause, she argues... of not facing the truth of our hopelessness with the situation that was so unbearable as children. She says that "when, as children, we understood that we were not going to get that love, we made up stories, created fantasy lives, tried to be someone else... our parallel life, our fantasy of what will happen when we finally find the love, respect, visibility, and abundance that's eluded us for a lifetime - is the adult version of the child longing to be seen and loved.
She goes on to discuss the three obstacles that interfere with the parallel life fantasy... which I'd like to dive into some more, but what I am taking away with me this morning is that the real work is to allow ourselves to be who we already are, and to have what we already have. We also have to allow ourselves to FEEL that original hopelessness. I get it. I think too, that part of whats happening in my life right now, even with the eating is that I've been digging deep into this stuff. Making peace with the idea that my life, my love life is hopeless. Its not going to magically change. I can feel my core understanding changing. I can see how my work with practicing mindfulness over the past year is starting to pay off.
The big question as the heart of all of this work around moving beyond compulsive eating is what is enough?
