Reconciliation with self and others.

The Canadian Geese arrived this morning. Two pair. They bring a certain perspective, a compliment to an easy Saturday morning. They prompt laughter with their sudden flapping of wings and loud honks. Its a welcome relief after 4 days of strife.

Pema Chodron, the Buddhist nun who resides in Nova Scotia, arrives in my email box weekly. Her foundation sends out weekly quotes from her numerous books and lectures. I like them. They arrive offering a whisper of advise. They provide a moment to give pause, to stop the chatter, stop the urgency, stop the god-almighty  "to-do" lists. Reading the passages, I am reminded to just breathe, and for the time it takes to read the passage and reflect upon it, I am invited to rearrange my thought patterns, rearrange the chaos, rearrange the angst, the unbalance. Return to calm.

This week: "When you’re like a keg of dynamite about to go off, patience means just slowing down at that point—just pausing—instead of immediately acting on your usual, habitual response. You refrain from acting, you stop talking to yourself, and then you connect with the soft spot. But at the same time you are completely and totally honest with yourself about what you are feeling. You’re not suppressing anything; patience has nothing to do with suppression. In fact, it has everything to do with a gentle, honest relationship with yourself."



Timing is perfect, naturally. How is it that energetic patterns set up like this? How is it that we create our own realities? Tuesday night, out of nowhere, an argument spiraled out of reason. Rage flowed out of me, relentless, driving. I was triggered by his cluelessness, his endless distraction, aversion to intimacy, aversion to connection. He was impatient. Highly irritated that I was demanding that he engage in conversation. I grew super impatient by his impatience. We were two kegs of dynamite smoldering, edgy. Wednesday night the fuse ignites again, but this time explodes. Triggered, at wits end, intolerant and desperate to pierce the armor I beat him with a wicker basket, luckily it was the thing closest at hand, the container for the gold fish food. In a blinding light of rage the basket shattered, wicker flew everywhere, the dogs were aroused and the bonehead was barking and pulling at PT's shirtsleeve. He griped my wrists. Restrained, contained. Some clarity returned and I could see the destruction strewn across the floor. I was still seething, but able to stop shouting. A cold disdain, a fierce declaration of my perspective and demands.


Thursday I'm shaken. Can't reconcile my rage with my public persona - "ms. restorative justice." I'm anxious. I'm ashamed. I tell my colleague, "ms. delightful." She is compassionate. Doesn't condone my violence, but acknowledges my feelings. It helps to share it. In the evening, I want to talk with PT but I'm afraid. What can I say? I am a hypocrite. I espouse Buddhist ideology. I am paid to help others to repair their harm. I need to repair my harm. Is it repairable? Am I potentially dangerous? Will I escalate more next time? Will he? What if he harbors resentment (why wouldn't he?). What if he is triggered while drunk? It could be very dangerous. 


Breathing. Reminded that there is no way out. Only through. It's hard to get him to agree to talk with me. He's wary. Suspect. We have sparks, outbursts. I retreat promising to return when calm. I try again. Ask permission to talk. Impatience. The message is, "get on with it!"  I speak of my wrong doing, my pain, my shame. Conversation goes on for a couple of hours. Difficult, tense. Push to be heard, work to hear. We move through. Glimmers of love, of hope. We sleep, peacefully. Friday in the morning there is residue, unfinished hostility. He takes in out on my little dog, the punk. I intervene, "do not abuse the dog!" "do not take your anger toward me out on the dog!" "Patience," I command!


Break through. It finally comes. We return to knowing one another. Peaceful, open, connected. Full circle to this morning. The geese have arrived. We are honest. Gentle. At home. We start again. We start again.

I Feel Joyful!

"Perhaps surprisingly, another important aspect of equanimity is joy. Recognizing the joy of equanimity goes against the common view that equanimity is dry, unemotional, and somewhat aloof. For the Buddha, however, mature, equanimity is linked with a deep and sometimes subtle joy and happiness, characteristic of a (relative) freedom of mind and heart. Joy naturally arises, the Buddha tells us, when we no longer are hooked by what is agreeable or disagreeable in experience. As we work through our attachments and aversions, we become more and more "purified and bright, malleable, wieldy, and radiant," "peaceful" and "sublime". (pg.173, The Engaged Spiritual Life, Donald Rothberg

My journey is starting to reflect this wisdom. I resonate with it so. I've been on fire with life recently. Bringing order; speaking out -strong and from my heart. Standing down fear. Practicing compassion and patience as consciousness allows. 

PT and I have been lingering longer is present moment together. Practicing intentional kindness, or rather, intentionally reflecting what is real for each of us. It seems that loving-kindness is more evident. There are still drunken, confused evenings. I still notice alienation and fear of abandonment. I still notice "flight" thinking. I'm starting to think that its more of a drill, a practice session, a recognition that things can change, and that I may need to be nimble, familiar with the nod to get going at some future time. But, more and more, I see myself engaged in my work now -alive, creative and not needing PT's affection as a primer for my life to flow. I am flowing. And, its because I'm practicing letting go. I'm actively practicing equanimity. "When we are no longer hooked by what is agreeable or disagreeable in experience, we experience joy." I feel joyful! 

 And with that - I'm off to hike on the island with my joyful, loving canines!!

The drip, drip, drip of small irritations...

It is the constant drip, drip, drip of 
small thoughtless behaviors that destroys the relationship. The lack of eye contact, the 
obsessive/compulsive behaviors, the adherence to rigid routines, the self absorption, the 
social anxiety, all lead to family members feeling like they just cannot connect with their 
Asperger family members. But it isn't so much the unusual behaviors that make the 
connecting difficult, but the inconsistency. Never knowing what is coming next, makes a 
loving connection very difficult.


True.


Thursday night we're off to a presentation. HIs behavior is measured, jovial. Talking a lot. Not terribly unusual. Missing subtle social cues for appropriateness. Leans in too close, pulls my hair playfully in the car. Speaks up publicly out of turn. I pat his leg, hopefully. Hopeful that he'll catch on. It was the smell of alcohol that oozed from his skin that was most disconcerting and telling though.


Last night I arrive home after seven. Long day. He's obsessively doing dishes. Needs to be prodded to greet me. "Come see what I have." The radio blaring loud enough to interfere with conversation. I ask if he is listening to the story. Abruptly he moves quickly to turn it off. I say, "it was just a yes or no question." Do you want to watch a movie I ask? Yes, he does. But an hour and half later he is manically typing a letter to the BDN. I feel tired and tell him I'm going to bed, reminding him I worked 12 hours. At 1 am I get up to use the bathroom, come down stairs to turn off a bright light that reflects into the bedroom. Him: staring at the computer screen. I look for acknowledgement of my presence, say hi and ask how it goes. He says fine. Doesn't look up. I turn and go back up the stairs. I get into bed and drift back to sleep when suddenly he is whistling to the dogs and rough housing with them and then calling for Zoey. I call out to him: "PT! Shussh!" He continues. "PT!"  "What!" He shouts back. I tell him to stop shouting. He argues. I ask him if he's drunk. Bad move on my part. He's triggered. When he comes to bed I admittedly try to smooth things over. He's rigid and cold. I ask if he's mad. Yes, he's mad that I asked if he was drunk. I try to explain my perspective. He thinks it was fine to "play" with the dogs. I was awake. Accuses me of not saying goodnight. I remind him. I explain my contact w/ him as a form of acknowledgment. He escalates and begins shouting. I point out he is being beligerant. And I pour fuel on the fire by telling him how he smelled like alcohol that night before. How I wonder about unusual behavior and whether he is drunk. His behavior was inconsiderate. He tells me he always has to walk on egg shells when I'm around. We leave it at that. Today is a new day. A weekend. Will he be cold and tense? Loving and kind? Who knows?

Wonder: Does my man have Asperger's???

Last weekend, I sent this letter to PT and asked him to discuss with me... I found it on a website which I'll credit later...  (as I'm posting this -he is down stairs jumping up and down, "FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!! WHAT A STUPID ASS CONTROL"....  (followed by "never mind me"). I wish the world wasn't so complicated for him.

PT would you please read through these 15 questions and look at yourself with an objective eye (if you can) and consider whether this applies to you. I would you like for you to talk with me about it. If it does apply to you, can we discuss how we can manage going forward? If this doesn't seem like a good fit for you, then please share your thoughts with me and also, please bring some helpful ideas to the table. I am experiencing a large % of what is described below and so, I need some answers. This is very important. You are important to me, but for my well being we need to come up with some strategies that work for both of us. In order to do that we have to speak frankly.

with loving kindness,

Married to someone with Aspergers....

==========================================
Frequently Asked Questions on Asperger Syndrome
Dr. Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D., P.S.

1. What is Asperger Syndrome?
Asperger Syndrome (AS) is the term applied to the high functioning end of what is known 
as the spectrum of pervasive developmental disorders or the Autism spectrum.
Asperger syndrome is a relatively new category, since it was officially recognized in the 
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) for the first time in 1994.
Since AS itself shows a range or spectrum of symptom severity, many individuals who 
might meet criteria for that diagnosis are viewed as "unusual" or "just different," or are 
misdiagnosed with conditions such as Attention Deficit Disorder.
The new DSM-4 criteria for a diagnosis of AS include the presence of:
ï The impaired use of nonverbal behaviors to regulate social interaction, failure to ï
develop age-appropriate peer relationships, lack of spontaneous interest in sharing ï
experiences with others, and lack of social or emotional reciprocity.
ï Restricted, repetitive, and stereotyped patterns of behavior, interests, and activities 
involving: preoccupation with one or more stereotyped and restricted pattern of ï
interest, inflexible adherence to specific nonfunctional routines or rituals, 
stereotyped or repetitive motor mannerisms, or preoccupation with parts of objects.

2. How common is Asperger Syndrome?
AS is much more common than previously realized and many adults are 
undiagnosed.Studies suggest that AS is considerably more common than "classic" Autism. 
Whereas Autism has traditionally been thought to occur in about 4 out of every 10,000 
children, estimates of Asperger Syndrome have ranged as high as 20-25 per 10,000. A 
study carried out in Sweden , concluded that nearly 0.7% of the children studied had 
symptoms suggestive of AS to some degree. Time Magazine notes in its May 6, 2002 issue 
cover story, "ASD is five times as common as Down syndrome and three times as common 
as juvenile diabetes."

3. All of us have symptoms like these at times. Are we all Aspergers?
Many describe living with an Aspie as "water torture." It is the constant drip, drip, drip of 
small thoughtless behaviors that destroys the relationship. The lack of eye contact, the 
obsessive/compulsive behaviors, the adherence to rigid routines, the self absorption, the 
social anxiety, all lead to family members feeling like they just cannot connect with their 
Asperger family members. But it isn't so much the unusual behaviors that make the 
connecting difficult, but the inconsistency. Never knowing what is coming next, makes a 
loving connection very difficult.

4. What distinguishes Asperger thinking from normal thinking?
Asperger Syndrome (AS) is demonstrated by deficits in communication, social skills and 
reciprocity of feelings. The Aspie knows what they think and feel but are often unaware of 
what their loved ones think or feel. With limited empathy for others, you can't really 
connect. So those with Asperger Syndrome go through life focused on their needs and 
wants often missing what is going on with others. This does not mean that they don't feel 
or love but they don't seem to notice what is going on with others and do not convey that 
they care.

5. What is mind blindness?
Most of our communication and interpersonal relating is nonverbal in nature. The person 
with Asperger Syndrome has trouble reading these nonverbal cues and therefore ignores 
the bulk of communication. This mind blindness leaves the spouse wondering if she is 
understood or cared for or trusted by her Aspie partner.

6. Can men with Asperger Syndrome love?
All people can feel love. It's a matter of quality in a relationship with an AS adult. The AS 
man never seems to learn that his wife can't feel his love if he does not demonstrate it. 
He will do what he thinks is best for the both of them but seldom talks to her about her 
feelings or opinions. And if she tries to share her love for him, he may find her need to 
"connect" smothering. Often these relationships are without sexual intimacy.

7. Why can't these men connect?
If you don't have much of an interior life yourself and you cannot comprehend the interior 
life of another, then connection is very difficult. An Aspie husband and Neuro-typical (NT) 
wife are often described as like two insulated wires wrapped around each other, . . . 
touching but not connecting.

8. Why do Asperger men and Neuro-typical women get married?
AS men are attracted to strong, intelligent, compassionate women who can handle the 
social world for them. These same women are attracted to the unconventional nature and 
boyish charm of AS men. They feel he will allow them their independence. It is only later 
that they learn their AS partner is quite conservative. Instead of supporting her 
independence the NT wife realizes that her AS husband is merely disinterested in her 
interests. His attention is narrowly focused on his interests.

9. Are there women with Asperger Syndrome?
Yes and their lives are probably even more complex than their male counterparts. To some 
extent, males with Asperger's are more accepted because their behavior is viewed as 
extreme male thinking. But women with Asperger Syndrome are viewed as cold, uncaring, 
and selfish. Many AS women never marry or they marry AS men.

10. What kind of parents are people with Asperger Syndrome?
We are just learning about this tragedy from adults coming forward to tell about being 
raised by AS parents. So far these people are reporting that they have coped with severe 
depression and self esteem problems because they lived with a parent who could not 
nurture them or get to know who they really are. It is very debilitating to experience 
emotional rejection daily as a child, even if your physical needs are provided for. This does 
not mean the AS parent does not love their child. But the communication and relating 
deficits confuse the child and can lead to the child feeling unloved.

11. Why is it so emotionally debilitating for NTs to live with these people?
When the person you love does not respond to your bids for affection, or attempts to 
share your inner world, you come to doubt your perception of reality. Slowly your self-
esteem is eroded. You walk on eggshells wondering what abuse the AS parent or spouse 
will dish out next. If your mate, child or parent has not yet been diagnosed, you do not 
know that they have a developmental disability. So you keep trying to reach them or solve 
the problem and often blame yourself. You find a way to cope and often this creates 
severe depression or extreme resentment. Many NTs who have grown up with AS parents 
report a lifetime of severe depression, "nervous breakdowns" and a string of broken 
relationships because they came to believe that they had no worth. Remember it is the 
child's experience that defines the parenting, not whether the AS parent loves their child.

12. What do you mean by walking on eggshells in an Asperger marriage?
Men with undiagnosed AS often feel as if their spouse is being ungrateful or "Bitchy" when 
she complains he is uncaring or never listens to her. He knows what he thinks and how he 
feels, so should she. He has no need to understand her so her complaints are bothersome 
to him. He can come to be quite defensive when she asks for clarification or a little 
sympathy. The defensiveness turns into verbal abuse (and sometimes physical abuse) as 
the husband attempts to control the communication to suit his view of the world.

13. Is there a cure for Asperger Syndrome or for the marriage?
Asperger Syndrome is an incurable form of autism. The usual methods of psychotherapy 
used to teach clients communication and interpersonal skills will not work with AS. The AS 
client can master some simple behaviors to get them by in the world, but they will fall 
short in the intimacy of marriage. In the marriage the NT spouse will need to adapt to the 
handicap. She must learn to translate the language to make her needs and wants as 
explicit as possible because her partner cannot read her non-verbal communication. She 
must also look to others for the type of personal and spiritual connection she can never 
have with her husband.

14. How can you have a marriage without connecting personally or spiritually?
Again it is a matter of quality. If you have many interests in common, such as music or 
sports, you may enjoy the companionship of your AS spouse. However, the strain of 
raising children who may have inherited AS from their parent, often puts an end to the 
marriage. The NT spouse cannot handle the loneliness and abuse, and care for dependent 
children as well. Often she is the one to finally call an end to the marriage. On the other hand, some NT spouses report that the marriage can be quite gratifying if their AS spouse acknowledges his limitations and works with his wife to create a kind of loving connection.

15. What can you expect if you divorce an AS man?
Unfortunately he will not understand why the woman wants a divorce and he is likely to be 
quite angry about it. Not knowing how to handle his distress he may turn the energy into 
revenge. Many high conflict divorces are the result of the negativity and obsessing of the 
AS partner regarding the wrongdoing he perceives of his NT spouse. It is likely to be a 
long, painful and expensive divorce where all suffer, including the children. Some men 
with AS, however, just leave quietly and never remarry, because they cannot quite figure 
out how to rebuild a life separately from their former spouse. Some NT former spouses 
report that their ex-husband even still refers to her as his "wife" years after the divorce.

Uneasy conversations w/ self

So, what if he is a person w/ aspergers syndrome? OK... so now what?
 I will not get the attention, nurturing and/or affection that I want. Perhaps he can learn cognitively how to respond in an affectionate way, but the truth is that our souls are so sensitive, that they differentiate between artificial and authentic nurturing attention. If he can't feel, and only goes through the motions, then its the equivalent of a robot providing rote maintenance.

I feel so confused.

What if he is only ADHA? Somehow, that in the face of AS sounds better. But is it? What's the real piece that's missing in this relationship?



An emotional adult.
I'm looking for an adult to share my life with.
I think.
This is complex.
I see that. If only I can make sense of it all.

I am a healthy, competent, loving woman. I want reciprocity of loving interaction. I want to nurture. I want to be nurtured. I want to be tender, affectionate and passionate. I want to feel it given to me too. I want to feel desired. I want to feel cherished. I want to love and admire and be loved and admired. I want to be responsible and accountable and I want the same from my partner. I want to share planning. I want to accomplish things. It feels good. I want to keep growing. I want to do it independently and interdependently.

If PT has AS, then he is incapable. Even if he learns some of the behaviors cognitively, it will never be authentic and bright, and alive. I know what that feels like.

If he has ADHD... what then? Same cognitive behavioral path? Is cognitive knowing less intimate than intuitive knowing? Can there be mature love? Can there be a mature relationship? What course do I have before me knowing that my emotional needs cannot be met in this relationship?

Can I suspend this need? It won't be met if I live alone. But alone, I am free to bring into my life people who can love. Do they exists? Yes. Of course. There are people who see the world as I do. There are men who are neurologically typical and capable of depth and love and nurturance. Am I too old to bring that energy into my life?

But I don't want to move. I don't want to struggle to survive. I don't want to be alone.
Be honest. Many times, you'd just as soon be alone. Like now. Its nice to be in the loft with the computer and to have him out of the house.  I would be fine if I lived alone too. I could fine something that I can afford. I will build a peaceful, loving space. I am capable and I can do it. I love Peter though. How can I leave him?


This is not an easy conversation to have with myself.

And its very hard to break off this conversation and sit with myself. Especially knowing he is at the neighbor's house. That he would rather flee to the neighbors house than be here and work things out with me. I can think logically about all of the above thoughts and also feel panic about change in our status. There is comfort in the same old gripe. The same familiar bitch. The same familiar dissatisfaction.

Tomfoolery.

Another drunk evening. Him. Not me.
8:01. Smashed. Passing out with the dog.
Slurring conversations.
Insistence on conversations that go no where.
Resistance to reason.
Steadfast in his intransigence.
I'm frozen in time, he says.
What do you mean? I ask.
He looks wistfully off.
"oh is this the elaine thing?"
Drunken foolishness.
I'm tired of this tomfoolishness.
I tell him so.
Ends with him doing the dishes and asking what am I going to do?
"I'm going to leave you." I say.
He leaves the house. I hope he's gone to his friends house so he's not outside, drunk and in the freezing cold.
I come to the computer. My heart in throat. Afraid.
Annoyed.
Angry.
Disdainful.
Relieved and a little triumphant.

He actually told me I could take another lover.
Jerk.

I also feel like a jerk.
I looked him in the eye tonight, (for the 2 seconds he'll make eye contact), and asked him if
he had aspherghers.
Maybe. He said.
I feel betrayed.

So there!

Its the lack of physical affection that is most heart wrenching. I feel enraged, outraged. Sad and lonely. Resentful. Bitter. Disdain. So then I think of this man I saw pull into the parking lot tonight and as his daughter exited the vehicle he snarled scornfully to her to not slam the car door. She was sullen, fearful or aloof, I'm not sure. He ranted at her once more as they crossed the parking lot. His pregnant woman followed looking hollow, disheveled, unloved. It was pittiful.







My life is not so bad, really. Its just that, it is, in terms of how I believe I should live; which is joyfully, playfully and fully playfully loved. So there.