Drilling down into the heart of my addiction.

Digging down into the heart of dysfunction. Where does my need to manage, control, oversee, manipulate PT come from?
And, furthermore, can I rise above my own needs and leave him alone?

I have some basic issues to contend with.
His brain is wired for ADHD.  I'm a compulsive overeater. They are both pathologies. Ok... so, not our fault. But, I have to learn to manage my disease. PT, ideally needs to learn to manage his. But, I'm not responsible for his dysfunction. Nor do I care to cater to it anymore. Within reason, of course. My job is to be kind and compassionate. I can, I suppose help him when its not interfering with my own well being.

Character defects I'm managing: people pleasing, insecurity, abandonment issues, procrastination, reluctance to exercise my body, judgement, sarcasm, boastfulness.

I feel resentful that PT just cruises through life and doesn't emotionally connect with me or others. I feel resentful that choosing to live with PT means I give up my sexuality. I really resent this.

I resent that he is lazy and procrastinates and will not finish what he started. I resent that I have to repeat every conversation that I initiate or answer that I answer. I resent that he is a bully and doesn't compromise very often. I resent that he isn't thoughtful consistently. I resent that it takes him all fucking day to do the dishes.

I resent that I'm triggered by his lack of support and emotional connection. I resent that he resorted to an electronic massage devise rather than touch me. I resent that he doesn't like to be touched.

ooooo boy.  I guess I'm pretty pissed off down inside of me.

I'm starting an oa meeting soon. Next week in fact.

I want to be thin! I want the world that is available to thin people. Especially sexy 50 year old thin women. I want power. (is that compatible with buddhism?)

I've been thinking and having new insights into my past and the roots of my eating addiction. I found another part to the puzzle.

It seems to me that I'm developmentally stuck (emotionally) around 11 years old. Sixth grade. Treated unfairly. At war with mother. Father abandons. Chaso rules the house. Kids alone. I'm the oldest. I first sneak off and buy food and eat it alone. I look up the developmental stage of an 11 year old. The page says that although they often don't want to be supervised, many of them suffer from loneliness, unhappiness and fear. A million webpages, but that's the one god took me to. AHAH! Moment!

At OA yesterday I hear the message of "I don't have to manage it all" I have to only manage 1% and I can let God handle the rest. Cool. I see that I really and truly do not trust - not myself, not others.

I don't trust that I can ride out my feelings.  I also heard yesterday that I'm impatient. I just have to blurt it all out. I can't wait. I talk things to death. I'm impatient. I want resolution to my discomfort resolved immediately. I need to turn it over to god.

I need to turn it all over.

Without food, how then shall I celebrate the snoday?

Sno Day! Its so amazing to be here, at this desk, looking out on this amazing view.  Peace is settling in around me. Why not?
I keep giggling when I look out the window. I can't help it. My god! The world outside out windows is beautiful. Deeply, satisfyingly beautiful.

I thought to myself.... wow! its a snoday, and so what should I bake? What should I prepare? Deep woodsy, smoky soups? Cookies? Something special to celebrate the day.

And then, I stopped. If I'm changing the way I relate to my life, where food is not the pivotal point from which everything I do rotates... then, how is it that I shall celebrate the day? The snoday? What essence, what emotion am I experiencing and how shall I go about my life? What is it about the sno day that is rich and fabulous? Going out into it! The adventure of it!


I tell AGT that over the past three weeks, I've eaten much, much better than before. I'm thinking about that in context of being abstinent and what exactly is success? I can claim success 4 or 5 days a week over the past three weeks. How does one measure improvement? By what scale do I look at this monster called addiction?

So what have I done to celebrate the day? Healthy lunch.... yogurt, banana, peanutbutter, an orange. A few dates. A handful of walnuts. A swig of OJ. Feeling jonzy though. Rambling. What's going on? Jittery. Off schedule. Wanting Lunch. Want to go out. Decide to wait till tide receeds. Finally around 2 pm we bundle up. Its brutal outside. Driving wind, snow, snow pellets. 10-14" of snow. Giant Drifts forming. I want something sweet.

Staying present. Grab a cup of joe and settle into the computer. The wind is absolutely blowing. I love the power, the energy. The house is alive with kids and PT and cop tv and preparations for PT's sauce over pasta.

You, my love, ARE enough!

I spent the morning sitting at the kitchen table shopping for mp3 players on line.  I got there because I was thinking about downloading some OA podcasts and realized I wanted (needed?) a better mp3 player than I currently have.

I'm going out for a walk in the snowstorm.
Just because.

I've returned. It was fabulous. It IS fabulous.

I'm observing the face of addiction today. Its a bit challenging to keep an eye on. I want to ignore the insistent addict's voice, the cunning slick, voice. I want to just ignore it and at the same time I need to be vigilant not to get sucked in to a misdeed.

I'm off to wash dishes and then clear the upstairs. I'm confident I will feel much better, more productive, less anxious if I clear these items off my to do list.

Listening to Geneen Roth. Still snowing.

Why am I at the workshop? Freedom! Comfy with the identity with trying to figure it out!!!!

Binging on chocolate chips. why? They taste good? They help me think? I'm sorting and trying to put order in to the room upstairs. I want companionship, I want comfort, I want companionship. I want to keep my hands and my mouth busy while I think. I want the chips because they are there. I want them and I'm not feeling willing to give them up. I could give them to Peter. I could just go down and put them away and act like a grown up. Peace is being a grown up. Peace comes through short circuiting the wiring. Obsessive, hungry wire. Procrastinator. Stuck. Go down and put them away. No guilt. Not yearning. You have enough. You, my love, ARE enough. Breathing.

Note to self. Not ready to have a bag of chocolate chips in the house. Or am I? Lets see. Don't obsess about food. Be vigilant and don't be sucked in. Be aware.