You don't have to have the same relationship you had with your mother, with yourself.

Death by cookies.
Right?
I dunno. I'm floating in an altered state; half real, half surreal. Dealing with a lot. Trying to stay present, aware. Ducking out. Bingeing is to duck out. From what? Why?

Can cognitive therapy work with me? Can anything? Only the truth. The truth and willingness. Just stop eating. Pause. As James usta say: "Remember the Power of Pause" Pause before you take action.

Is it willfulness? Anger? At what?

Emotionally, I'm feeling pretty good. I think. 

Self doubt. Why?

Sabotage? To what end?

At work, I've been diving into the compass of shame. Now, I'm asking, -Attack Self?  Why?

"You don't have to have the same relationship you had with your mother, with yourself" -Geneen Roth
Distant. Cold. Afraid. Disdainful. Annoyed. impatient. Unsure. Unsure? Unsure! Self doubt because my relationship with mom was unsure. It was unpredictable. It was an unknown. It was invalidating.

Merging onto the highway of health.

OK... so, I'm making it official. I am in the deep throws of addiction relapse.
UHHHGG. I feel LARGE.
I am eating sugar. Lots of sugar. I'm compulsive. I'm sneaking.

I've also taken concrete steps toward health and well being. I've made a daily schedule. I did yoga and meditation so far today. I will walk on the treadmill for 20 minutes. I will continue to abstain from unhealthy food. When? Can I go 24 hours without sugar or alcohol? From this point forward? Until 12:41 tomorrow, Wednesday? Can I simply go 24 hours without eating sugar? Without poisoning myself?

I read in Geneen Roth's book last night a passage wherein she realized that she didn't have to have the same relationship she had with her mother... with herself. A light? An aha for me? Not sure. Have to dig in a big more. I didn't have a good relationship with my mother. It was fear based. It was manipulative... on my part, always trying to get her to say yes. It was distant. It was shy. It was afraid of being verbally dismissed, unbelieved. It was contentious. It was not supportive. It was not warm or helpful. It didn't care. It was annoyed.

How do I want to be in relationship with myself?

For real.

I want us to believe in one another. To have faith and courage. I want our relationship to be celebratory. Wise. Kind. Very kind. Smart.

I also had an AHA! about almond flour. Crushed almonds. Almond pancakes. And pecans. And walnuts.

I want to be thin and healthy! I want to stop hurting. No more hurting joints. I want to feel great inside and outside. I want to radiate love.

Zoom! Zoom!

"The revolution will not be televised" says PTT walking across the room. He is washing a knife and lost in thought about something radical and provocative, I assume.  We're flowing with each other, its been good. A nice Christmas. Good company. Loving.

There'd been a powerful argument after the party at Linda's. I has issues with his dismissive behavior, lack of attention, sneering disdain. He was resistant to the conversation and added to the murkiness by addressing my insecurity and general disappointment with life.

We go on and I state my needs. He states his. He wants peace. He sees me as his companion. I resist. I want to be seen. Cherished. Courted. I want Gallantry. I am emphatic that the peace he seeks in me is no different that what I desire. A peaceful, loving flow. His loving attention, his courtly behavior towards me facilitates a general good will and feeling that flows right back at him.

Later I speak about my "story" - that outcome that I envision that isn't being fulfilled and is therefore, cause for disappointment. I thought he was the guy who was interested in living life fully, with awareness. I want peace too. I don't want to live a split or disjointed life. My work is my life. My work and my life about healing and relationships as the journey toward peace.

Its been nice. The last few days have been nice. Sweet. Connected.

Breathing.

Now I am ready to shed the next layer. Compulsive eating that involves addiction to highly processed, sweet foods.

I'm reading Margaret Wheatley's "Perseverance". Reading about Control. "Life is simply uncontrollable." The only thing we can control is ourselves. Our thoughts, our emotions, our responses. I long for life in a controlled, relaxed, deeply relaxed place. Where it is warm. Where I can sleep. and sleep. and sleep.

"If we learn to control ourselves, the entire world around us changes."

Starting now. At 2:35 pm on Monday, December 27 I will go sugar free for one week.

Vomos!

Patience

and Willingness. Willingness is the only way.

Another day down and not sugar free. Good grief. One week? How about one day!! Started out with great intention, but downed a piece of chocolate before I even snapped.  Home this evening. 3 handfulls of chocolate chips. Tomorrow is baking day. Not a good candidate for sugar free. But maybe. Lets see how willing I'm willing to be.

I find my thoughts returning to yesterday's argument. I wonder if I can teach myself how not to react to him...  If only I can learn the spiritual practice of non-reaction. No action. Tolerance. We'd be all set. If only I can really, really practice what I believe. Eat well and be loving.

Alcohol is not free

oh the misery. Yesterday I once again attempted a sugar free day. I successfully ate very well, avoiding processed, sugary food. This, despite having had a violent argument w/ PTT in the morning. A classic 0-10 explosion that erupted when I asked him to wash the sheets in anticipation of ST's arrival and overnight stay. He didn't like my tone. I took the bait.

Blah.

I hate fighting.

Anyhow, we cleared the air and moved on.

I ruined my sugar free day by getting drunk on Gin in the evening. Wicked headache and alcohol poisoning today.

I'll try again to eat well today. I just want to get one solid week under my belt without eating processed, sugary food.

Not sugar free

Upon awakening this morning, I promptly decided that I'd go sugar free for the day, for the week. To remind myself of my plan I tied a green plastic cord around my wrist. All went well until I arrived at Kay's house at 4:30 pm. She gifted me with chocolate Kahlua cake. I ate half in the car before going into the art store to find PTT. I again ate frantically while in the car waiting for PTT before going into Joblot. Finally, I threw the last 1/3 into the trash. Driving home, we opened Jalapeno potato chips. I loved the crunch. The taste. Sweet. Is there sugar? Yes. At home, I spied a couple of abandoned chocolate chips. Pop. Into my mouth in an instant. Off to prepare food for dinner. Healthy noodle salad. I set aside a couple of chocolate truffles. Intending to sneak off with them, but instead offering Peter one and then including the jar of chocolate covered pretzels. I wander off with a chocolate pretzel. Its now 9:38. I've been into the sugar for four hours. Tomorrow, I shall try again. My quest for one week without sugar.

Even more than love.

Symptoms: knee joints (right one, especially) Ankles, severe. Muscle spasms in the night. Scale of 1-10: 7.9. Back of thigh, spreading to shin, feet. Pain! Lasts 5 minutes or so. Deep, deep breathing.

Need to care for self.
Radical self care needed.

Radicle loving. Selfish loving.

Eating.
Moving.
Loving.
Order.
Beauty.
Peace.

Routine. Critical.
Crave peace.
More than love.
In peace there is love.

Planning to talk w/ Jenny this morning. Food for the soul. Witness. Validation. Love.
Take a walk today.
Do some yoga, today.
Eat well, today.
Abstain from candy, chocolate, unhealthy food. Even at the party. This afternoon.
Today.

Visualize health, love. Grace.
Energy.

The smell of love

Its cold this morning. Fresh snow has fallen overnight. The sky is low. Grey. Out the window, the one that looks out over the village, crows caw and move about, the only evidence of movement or life. I'm struck by the colors and lines of this coastal new england village. It really is lovely, soft greys, yellow, reds, brick red.

The crows caw. Sam sits by me and a duck passes overhead. PTT is sleeping. Its Saturday morning, after 8 am, yet with these dark winter days, time naturally takes a more leisurely pace. I told Aymie I'd come to her cookie gathering later today. Cookies and wine. I like her. I admire her. Her facebook personality is delightful. I wish she didn't live in Bangor. Probably not going to go. Thinking about AGT coming to stay tomorrow. She's decided to do the week on week off thing. I think it'll be ok. I'm feeling some of anticipation about the idea of her being here this winter, about getting up and making a warm, loving kitchen... something stable for her to connect with. Looking forward to her company just because she is a sweet, smart, darling young woman. I really want her to connect with her sister ST when she's home this xmas too.

I'm feeling in love w/ my beloved mate this morning. I always like it wen we break through to a place of clarity and the stories and angst are missing.

I keep telling him that I just wanted to end my life knowing that I'm really, really loved, seen, cherished.
Why not? I pose? Why not step into the being kind and generous and loving, just because. Why not keep the courtship going on and on? Why not?

I'm still wrestling with the pain of peeing.

The doc proposes surgery. I'm suggesting a valium and another visit back to his office. He's said, ok. But, it was a reluctant ok. Says he's got better equipment in the OR.

Breathing.

Thinking about this makes me feel overwhelmed. I want to wish the issue away. I think there is something about tension and stress that is making me this way. Yet, there is a stinging and a sense of blockage. Donna tells me about a doc in Bangor that she likes. Says I should go see him.

Yesterday, PTT's doc tells him that yeah, you probably have cancer. Prostate Cancer. Scheduling a biopsy. His PSA was 12.3. Intermediate Risk. He doesn't want to have it spread to his bones. I was worried that he'd disregard this information and not follow through on recommended treatments. I don't think that's the case now.

Well, I'm off to the kitchen now. To warm it with smells and love.

That's all I really know

Oh for christ's sake. I don't have any idea, really. My mind is clinging to confusion. Its safer that way, I suppose. Work feels a bit overwhelming. I'm highly resistant to the constant pain and the fear of not knowing how to handle what ever lies ahead. I'm not feeling very confident, truth be told. I dream about solitude. I fear loneliness. I imagine living more stress free. Alone. I fear loneliness.

It hurts to pee. That's all I really know. The doc says he wants to admit me. I don't believe he knows what he's saying. I doubt his diagnosis. I know it hurts to pee. I don't know what it means that I have a high alkaline urine. I want him to look again. Give me a Valium. Tell him I was nervous. Give it a try. My co-workers say to get a second opinion. Maybe. Seems like a lot of work. It feels like too much work.

Sleep sounds good. No stress sounds ideal. To be cherished. Loved. Seen. Oh yes, and attractively thin. Not too thin, but good looking thin. Smart and good looking. And in control.

Can I control the pain? Why does it not hurt sometimes? What's different? Why does it hurt A LOT sometimes? What's it all mean?

How the whole thing just is.

Peace returns after a really, really hard 24 hour period. I'm grateful. I'm also grateful to have been eating sanely for the past two days. I feel myself return to a baseline of care for myself and with it comes a sense of security. I keep returning to those photos of myself from the walk we did a couple of weeks ago and I look like my cat Sam. I recall PTT photographing me as I climbed over the felled tree and he commented that I looked like Sam, who I lovingly refer to as the world's fattest cat. I have one last meeting w/ Holly and I am reluctant to let her go. I feel as though I am on the cusp of breaking through my addiction and returning to health. I would like to keep her support. I'm also mindful about wanting to start my own support group and wonder how that will unfold.

I continue to have an ongoing spot of friction with colleague LH and I'm needing to stay grounded and present and hear her out, reflect on my own behavior and at the same time, realize that I'm not able to care take her. I can however, listen to what she perceives as a slight, give her room to say her piece and go on without having to feel bad. Funny how when we feel we have offended someone, we feel bad ourselves, feeling ashamed of hurting someone. I imagine that LH may feel ashamed of overstepping her boundaries, I feel ashamed of having to redirect her. Blah.

The morning dawn is beautiful just now. Pause. Breathe.  The dogs are about to wake up. Soon my morning will begin. May all beings be happy. May all beings be free from suffering. May I be happy. May I be free from suffering.

This morning, a passage from Pema Chodron..."to lead a life that goes beyond pettiness and prejudice and always wanting to make sure that everything turns out on our own terms, to lead a more passionate, full and delightful life than that, we must realize that we can endure a lot of pain and pleasure for the sake of finding out who we are and what this world is, how we tick and how our world ticks, how the whole thing just is."

How the whole thing just is. Its just how it is. Our office is busy. I need to stay on top of what is going on. I need my other colleague to stay on top of her people and I need LH to quit care taking. And I need to be able to intervene and she needs to be able to roll and I need to just flow, with kindness and goodwill even when I need to be direct. My kingdom for peace. I seek peace.