Courage, redefined.

I am afraid to speak my truth. Why shouldn't I be able to say "No" to the yelling and then, just walk away?

Answer: I am very afraid that if I say no, that I will be shunned, ignored, dismissed, thrown out.

But where does this fear come from? Does it have merit? What is really the truth?

Isn't it also true that when I do take risks and say what's on my mind, (choosing my issues with care), that nothing really happens. Noise. It passes. Isn't it true that when I breathe; when I don't take things out of context and in a fearful way, that life keeps flowing? Why do I fear?

Its ironic that he says that -I just want to control the situation. He calls me "little miss ethical standards." Ha! - I don't even know what that means. -Little miss ethical standards. He's right. I do want to stand for an ethical, authentic, loving life.

Yes, of course I want to control things. I don't want to be yelled at! But the challenge is, can I stand it, even if I don't like it? I think so. I believe I have the courage to stand in peace.

Think about it. What would happen if I took the yelling? Really. What would happen if I just let it happen and didn't react?

That's the trick, is it not? Not to react. Have the fucking courage not to react. Courage to be curious, and to not be so self-protective.  What is it that PT always says? "Welcome all that God brings." Indeed. There is always an opportunitiy to look these tedious headaches right in the eye and then to move into and through and hopeuflly one day beyond the impulsivity, the anxiousness, the fear.

Well, you know what? I'm ready. Really.
I'm really ready. Fuck this compulsive fucking lifestyle.
I'm sick of being run by reaction. On ward Ho!