What brings you joy?

This morning I am overcome with deep grief. There is no outlet that feels safe or restorative. It wells up inside of me and I am overcome with fear, anxiety, angst and anger. I hate that I feel so alone. I hate that I feel so utterly alone and unloved. I feel the pain of not being seen. I don't know how to be in the world. I don't know how to be the kind of person that stands out, is sought out. I don't know how to excel at what I am, because I don't know what I am. I feel so reflectionless. No one tells me what they think of me. Except P of course and he thinks I'm needy and wants me to leave him alone.

So, I'm left this morning wondering how do I find joy? What brings me joy? Being loved. Feeling competent. Small things. Beauty. Interpersonal relationships. The dogs. A beautiful sky.

I am yearning to be be fully prepared for life. What will I do when someone I love dies? What happens if I become ill. P is not prepared to care for me or the animals. He is a child. I want him to be grown up. I hunger for a mate that takes responsibility for things that are important. If I leave, his children will be cast into the role of caregiver.

I've asked him to take a stand for me. Show some serious sign of his commitment to me. I hate his disdain. It pains me terribly. It rips me open time and time again. I feel so fucking alone. I feel so much grief welling up inside of me.

So is it just simple fucking depression. Will medication help? What about eating well? Getting enough sleep and regular exercise? That is what helps, but it doesn't solve the problem that still, in my world I am invisible and unloved. Taken for granted. Dismissed as boring. Unlovable.

My father arrives today. I have to pick him up in Boston. I am afraid to drive in Boston. Afraid of getting lost. Afraid of driving to Maine in the dark. I am afraid of the car breaking down. I am afraid of not knowing how to solve problems. I am afraid of not being prepared.