Learning to be with what is.

It wants to come out... so much in my head.
Struggling.
Why struggle?

Ahhh and therein lies the question that I wrestle with each day. I debate the struggle. Let it go or go for it.

Fantasize about living a lone. A LONE. ALONE. I am agitated, uptight. Not at peace.
I watch my decisions, my sense of 'how it should be', flit in and out of flight and fight.

I feel wounded and I'm healing and I'm nervous. Intellectually I understand that PT's fight response was activated when he was awoken abruptly and furthermore he has drunk and in a deep, alcohol induced sleep. He was afraid and disoriented. I am working on not holding on to resentment. I understand that I've got to learn how to be with adversity and life. I have to relax and be with my life as it is. Breathe.

I feel so desperate to be in a peaceful environment. Calmness. Stillness. But with attention, companionship, love and tenderness. Attention, and desire. My mind is tired at this moment. I want to sleep, uninterrupted.

So, I don't know about a goddamned thing. I feel completely like an alien. One moment I'm trying on the hat of forgiveness, and unconditional love and the next minute I'm bitter and resigned to having to move out because the taste of disrespect, the taste of disdain is ever present and to stay is to drag my soul through humiliation. I am not sure if I am in denile of having to face the truth that I am not respected any longer and without respect comes bitterness and hurtful behaviors. But if I leave will I be running away from the perfect opportunity to know true peace? If I leave will I find I am able to love myself and those around me more because I am not constantly stressed?