Drilling down into the heart of my addiction.

Digging down into the heart of dysfunction. Where does my need to manage, control, oversee, manipulate PT come from?
And, furthermore, can I rise above my own needs and leave him alone?

I have some basic issues to contend with.
His brain is wired for ADHD.  I'm a compulsive overeater. They are both pathologies. Ok... so, not our fault. But, I have to learn to manage my disease. PT, ideally needs to learn to manage his. But, I'm not responsible for his dysfunction. Nor do I care to cater to it anymore. Within reason, of course. My job is to be kind and compassionate. I can, I suppose help him when its not interfering with my own well being.

Character defects I'm managing: people pleasing, insecurity, abandonment issues, procrastination, reluctance to exercise my body, judgement, sarcasm, boastfulness.

I feel resentful that PT just cruises through life and doesn't emotionally connect with me or others. I feel resentful that choosing to live with PT means I give up my sexuality. I really resent this.

I resent that he is lazy and procrastinates and will not finish what he started. I resent that I have to repeat every conversation that I initiate or answer that I answer. I resent that he is a bully and doesn't compromise very often. I resent that he isn't thoughtful consistently. I resent that it takes him all fucking day to do the dishes.

I resent that I'm triggered by his lack of support and emotional connection. I resent that he resorted to an electronic massage devise rather than touch me. I resent that he doesn't like to be touched.

ooooo boy.  I guess I'm pretty pissed off down inside of me.

I'm starting an oa meeting soon. Next week in fact.

I want to be thin! I want the world that is available to thin people. Especially sexy 50 year old thin women. I want power. (is that compatible with buddhism?)

I've been thinking and having new insights into my past and the roots of my eating addiction. I found another part to the puzzle.

It seems to me that I'm developmentally stuck (emotionally) around 11 years old. Sixth grade. Treated unfairly. At war with mother. Father abandons. Chaso rules the house. Kids alone. I'm the oldest. I first sneak off and buy food and eat it alone. I look up the developmental stage of an 11 year old. The page says that although they often don't want to be supervised, many of them suffer from loneliness, unhappiness and fear. A million webpages, but that's the one god took me to. AHAH! Moment!

At OA yesterday I hear the message of "I don't have to manage it all" I have to only manage 1% and I can let God handle the rest. Cool. I see that I really and truly do not trust - not myself, not others.

I don't trust that I can ride out my feelings.  I also heard yesterday that I'm impatient. I just have to blurt it all out. I can't wait. I talk things to death. I'm impatient. I want resolution to my discomfort resolved immediately. I need to turn it over to god.

I need to turn it all over.