Look within

What a painful evening.
He is so resistant to communicating, to being honest.

He sees me as insane. Doesn't think he does anything wrong. Sees me as the antagonist.  Says I'm so dissatisfied.

I am.

With myself.

He accuses me of being manipulative. I disagree.

I want to be truthful. Say what I need. Not play games.

I smoked a lot of pot over the last few days and I ate really unhealthy food. I wonder how much it contributes to me feeling neglected, anxious, wanting more.

PTT doesn't handle any conflict well. He thinks if anyone has a problem with him its a call to arms. I want him to be more tolerant. I want him to be different than he is. I do not want to be treated badly. He is most likely to treat me or anyone poorly by being neglectful.

I want to be loved, wanted. Cherished.

I want to love, want and cherish myself. I don't know how. I'm thinking about this idea about dissolving the dualism. Embracing those aspects of ourselves that we most resist. I keep trying to make piece with myself. I don't like how I'm aging. I don't like being ignored. I'm hiding behind my old fat self because I can't stand how I'm changing. Does he ignore me because I'm an aging old fat woman? I hate that I'm fat. I look at pictures of my friend Edie and she is so beautiful at 50. I am so blah. Old. Fat.

I feel a lot of angst.  I want to run away.  I do not want to be thrown away.

What to do, what to do.

Make a plan. Peter hates that I want to plan.

Planning is the only thing that helps me stay on course.

I have to eat well. I have to exercise. I have to have time to write. I have to find time to meditate, play with the dogs, get together with friends.

I hate that the only answer is to go within. I want desperately to be taken care of, loved.

I need to take care of myself. Love myself.