I'll show you.

Its been 3 hours since he walked out of the house and I have to admit that I'm feeling a lot of agitation. Fear.
Its down in my gut. I just remembered that I told him that I thought he'd been acting like an arrogant jerk all day.

I still hear him muttering "keep it up" as though its a threat and somehow what ever I am feeling isn't reasonable and I should be on alert that my behavior is so egregious that dire consequences will follow.

I feel like I'm being punished. For what? Wanting my partner's attention? For wanting to have a bit of conversation upon his arrival home? For wanting to connect emotionally after days of him being involved with his kids? For being pissed that he threw me a half-assed "thanks" for something he couldn't even be bothered to explain, let alone be genuinely present with me about.

I'm afraid he'll end our relationship because he feels I'm too needy.

What's too needy?

I have needs. I want to be acknowledged after a busy couple of days. I want to be seen and appreciated. I feel hurt still from the fight earlier in the night. I can see my role in it, but I want to have my feelings respected and acknowledged.

He's been gone for more than three hours and it feels like a virtual slap in the face. As though he is shouting, "I'll teach you to interrupt my radio show!" "I'll show you what happens to women who dare to challenge me when I'm feeling antisocial!" "I'll show you what happens to women who dare to love me and hold me accountable." That's it, isn't it? It's the accountability thing. "I'll be a dick if I want to and don't you dare say anything about it or I'll show you. I'll make damn sure you don't get the one thing you want from me.. me! "

I feel ashamed of having needs. I want to be wanted. Being wanted is demonstrated through honesty, through communication.  Being wanted is demonstrated by being gracious, by being attentive.

I've felt like I've been fending for myself since Thursday afternoon. I got nice compliments about the meal preparations. Since then, I've felt unnoticed.