How the whole thing just is.

Peace returns after a really, really hard 24 hour period. I'm grateful. I'm also grateful to have been eating sanely for the past two days. I feel myself return to a baseline of care for myself and with it comes a sense of security. I keep returning to those photos of myself from the walk we did a couple of weeks ago and I look like my cat Sam. I recall PTT photographing me as I climbed over the felled tree and he commented that I looked like Sam, who I lovingly refer to as the world's fattest cat. I have one last meeting w/ Holly and I am reluctant to let her go. I feel as though I am on the cusp of breaking through my addiction and returning to health. I would like to keep her support. I'm also mindful about wanting to start my own support group and wonder how that will unfold.

I continue to have an ongoing spot of friction with colleague LH and I'm needing to stay grounded and present and hear her out, reflect on my own behavior and at the same time, realize that I'm not able to care take her. I can however, listen to what she perceives as a slight, give her room to say her piece and go on without having to feel bad. Funny how when we feel we have offended someone, we feel bad ourselves, feeling ashamed of hurting someone. I imagine that LH may feel ashamed of overstepping her boundaries, I feel ashamed of having to redirect her. Blah.

The morning dawn is beautiful just now. Pause. Breathe.  The dogs are about to wake up. Soon my morning will begin. May all beings be happy. May all beings be free from suffering. May I be happy. May I be free from suffering.

This morning, a passage from Pema Chodron..."to lead a life that goes beyond pettiness and prejudice and always wanting to make sure that everything turns out on our own terms, to lead a more passionate, full and delightful life than that, we must realize that we can endure a lot of pain and pleasure for the sake of finding out who we are and what this world is, how we tick and how our world ticks, how the whole thing just is."

How the whole thing just is. Its just how it is. Our office is busy. I need to stay on top of what is going on. I need my other colleague to stay on top of her people and I need LH to quit care taking. And I need to be able to intervene and she needs to be able to roll and I need to just flow, with kindness and goodwill even when I need to be direct. My kingdom for peace. I seek peace.