Dissolve the Dualism

I've spent a good part of the night and into this early morning stewing about how I've been wronged by PTT. We agreed to watch the rest of the movie (he, myself and his daughter AGT) in the morning, due to technical troubles with the DVD. When I get up to pee two hours later I see he is watching the film w/ headphones on. I'm outraged. I feel slighted. I feel disappointed that we can't all watch the film together and more importantly, I'm mad that we won't have the opportunity to share that wonderful period, post viewing, when we share our impressions, thoughts, joys and disappointments about the film. I saw his behavior as evidence of lack of sensitivity to AGT and myself. I decided he was childish and selfish and accused him of breaking his agreement to watch the film today; this, after he protested that he didn't know if we'd watch it today or not. I continued to feel angry because he was lashing out at me in defense of himself in the face of my outrage. I then was angry that he wasn't listening to my anger.

Now, as I reflect further on the situation, I see that my reaction was purely based on imagined outcomes. It was selfish and childish. PTT is hard of hearing. Naturally its better for him with the headphones; something he can't do when AGT and myself are watching the film with him, and particularly because this DVD didn't have subtitle capability. There was no reason why we couldn't get up this morning and watch the film together, or me and AGT could have watched it or I could simply watch it and then we could all have post viewing discussions.

So ultimately, I see that I was in the wrong. I created misery because I was reactive to imaginary outcomes. Could Peter have handled my dismay better. Yes. But that is his journey, not mine.

I turn to my little Pema Chodron book and open to the page titled, "Relax as it is" wherein she reminds that we can stop struggling with what occurs and see its true face without calling it the enemy. It helps to remember that our spiritual practice is not about accomplishing anything - not about winning or losing - but about relaxing as it is. That is what we are doing, she writes, when we sit down to meditate. That attitude spreads into the rest of our lives.

Yes. of course. I see it perfectly. I see it too as I examine the deeper truths about eating and with wanting my life to be different, about fleeing from my life as it is.

Pema Chodron writes, "How do we stop struggling with ourselves?" Geneen Roth asks the same question. I see that I'm in constant struggle with myself. Pema continues, "Go to those places that scare us!" She writes that the elemental fear is with our feelings of being wrong, with our guilt and shame at what we are. "Befriend that side of ourselves!" she writes.

Others refer to it as our shadow side.

Befriend the parts of ourselves we most reject. The point is to dissolve the dualism. Dualism between us and them, between this and that, between here and there. Pay attention. Move toward that which we find difficult and toward that which we wish to push away.