Only Kindness Heals

I am binging. I am watching. I am anxious, sullen, stoned. Resentful. Do not want to do chores, plan or participate.

I am curious.

4:25 pm It is dark. I resent the darkness. I want to fight what is.

I'm practicing mindfulness about eating 2 whoopie pies. So,  I ask myself:  what was it? What was going on for me at the time I was thinking about buying them and at the time I was eating them? When I was thinking about buying them I was just thinking about the pleasure of eating them. It was a calming feeling. Something I was looking forward to.

While I was eating them I became aware that I want to be seen. 

AHA! MOMENT:  Having an addiction is a way to draw attention to myself. Pay attention to me! 

The deep question that I'm trying to resolve is: If I get sick enough will you care for me? 

Self destruction as a way to feed the insatiable hole in my soul. I can't look, -its so bad. But, I'm dying to be seen. Why can't i see myself?

"Hell is not being where you want to be." Stephen Levine  Yeah, ok. Can I take this in and sort it out? I don't like where I'm at. I'm lonely. I'm worried about my health, my future. I have codependency issues and he's got a tendency towards avoidance.

Polarizing. It's nuts. I'm acting on this belief. A belief that he's not gonna notice unless its big - in the same way that his son FT knows that the only way to get his father to see him is to always make a grand entrance, be a comic, a clown. Me? I'm gonna kill myself with food and/or cancer just to be noticed.

How fucked up is that? 

"And when you fight with the way things are, you always lose because you’re fighting with something that can’t be fought with.

But what you can do is relax."

I'm trying, but I'm binging. I'm procrastinating. I'm lost in my imagination.

Geneen Roth continues:

"People often ask me what they can do to fix their “weight problem.” How they can get rid of it, swat it away like a fly or a tick. (They don’t say “like a fly or a tick! That’s the visual I get when someone asks me that question). 


But here’s the thing: We can’t fix or get rid of a part of ourselves. The relationship with food, no matter how conflicted or painful, is a way that we are expressing a part of ourselves. 


What part of myself am I expressing???


Our thoughts, our feelings, our beliefs. If we want to change what we are doing with food, we must first understand it, turn towards it, treat it with curiosity and tenderness. Isn’t it amazing that we keep eating past full? Isn’t if curious that although we make ourselves extremely uncomfortable, we keep doing the same thing again and again? Think of the relationship with food as a way you are trying to get your own attention. 


OMG!


Approach it and yourself as you would a child that acts out in the only way she knows. Only kindness heals. Nothing else will work."


Here, Geneen Roth speaks about the idea that I'm trying to get my own attention. (Not his). So, am I looking? Or am I hiding my head in the sand? Breathe.
Only kindness heals. Am I being kind to myself? When I am kind to myself, I will be kind to PTT. And the rest of the world.