Zoom! Zoom!

"The revolution will not be televised" says PTT walking across the room. He is washing a knife and lost in thought about something radical and provocative, I assume.  We're flowing with each other, its been good. A nice Christmas. Good company. Loving.

There'd been a powerful argument after the party at Linda's. I has issues with his dismissive behavior, lack of attention, sneering disdain. He was resistant to the conversation and added to the murkiness by addressing my insecurity and general disappointment with life.

We go on and I state my needs. He states his. He wants peace. He sees me as his companion. I resist. I want to be seen. Cherished. Courted. I want Gallantry. I am emphatic that the peace he seeks in me is no different that what I desire. A peaceful, loving flow. His loving attention, his courtly behavior towards me facilitates a general good will and feeling that flows right back at him.

Later I speak about my "story" - that outcome that I envision that isn't being fulfilled and is therefore, cause for disappointment. I thought he was the guy who was interested in living life fully, with awareness. I want peace too. I don't want to live a split or disjointed life. My work is my life. My work and my life about healing and relationships as the journey toward peace.

Its been nice. The last few days have been nice. Sweet. Connected.

Breathing.

Now I am ready to shed the next layer. Compulsive eating that involves addiction to highly processed, sweet foods.

I'm reading Margaret Wheatley's "Perseverance". Reading about Control. "Life is simply uncontrollable." The only thing we can control is ourselves. Our thoughts, our emotions, our responses. I long for life in a controlled, relaxed, deeply relaxed place. Where it is warm. Where I can sleep. and sleep. and sleep.

"If we learn to control ourselves, the entire world around us changes."

Starting now. At 2:35 pm on Monday, December 27 I will go sugar free for one week.

Vomos!