Oh for christ's sake. I don't have any idea, really. My mind is clinging to confusion. Its safer that way, I suppose. Work feels a bit overwhelming. I'm highly resistant to the constant pain and the fear of not knowing how to handle what ever lies ahead. I'm not feeling very confident, truth be told. I dream about solitude. I fear loneliness. I imagine living more stress free. Alone. I fear loneliness.
It hurts to pee. That's all I really know. The doc says he wants to admit me. I don't believe he knows what he's saying. I doubt his diagnosis. I know it hurts to pee. I don't know what it means that I have a high alkaline urine. I want him to look again. Give me a Valium. Tell him I was nervous. Give it a try. My co-workers say to get a second opinion. Maybe. Seems like a lot of work. It feels like too much work.
Sleep sounds good. No stress sounds ideal. To be cherished. Loved. Seen. Oh yes, and attractively thin. Not too thin, but good looking thin. Smart and good looking. And in control.
Can I control the pain? Why does it not hurt sometimes? What's different? Why does it hurt A LOT sometimes? What's it all mean?
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