Uneasy conversations w/ self

So, what if he is a person w/ aspergers syndrome? OK... so now what?
 I will not get the attention, nurturing and/or affection that I want. Perhaps he can learn cognitively how to respond in an affectionate way, but the truth is that our souls are so sensitive, that they differentiate between artificial and authentic nurturing attention. If he can't feel, and only goes through the motions, then its the equivalent of a robot providing rote maintenance.

I feel so confused.

What if he is only ADHA? Somehow, that in the face of AS sounds better. But is it? What's the real piece that's missing in this relationship?



An emotional adult.
I'm looking for an adult to share my life with.
I think.
This is complex.
I see that. If only I can make sense of it all.

I am a healthy, competent, loving woman. I want reciprocity of loving interaction. I want to nurture. I want to be nurtured. I want to be tender, affectionate and passionate. I want to feel it given to me too. I want to feel desired. I want to feel cherished. I want to love and admire and be loved and admired. I want to be responsible and accountable and I want the same from my partner. I want to share planning. I want to accomplish things. It feels good. I want to keep growing. I want to do it independently and interdependently.

If PT has AS, then he is incapable. Even if he learns some of the behaviors cognitively, it will never be authentic and bright, and alive. I know what that feels like.

If he has ADHD... what then? Same cognitive behavioral path? Is cognitive knowing less intimate than intuitive knowing? Can there be mature love? Can there be a mature relationship? What course do I have before me knowing that my emotional needs cannot be met in this relationship?

Can I suspend this need? It won't be met if I live alone. But alone, I am free to bring into my life people who can love. Do they exists? Yes. Of course. There are people who see the world as I do. There are men who are neurologically typical and capable of depth and love and nurturance. Am I too old to bring that energy into my life?

But I don't want to move. I don't want to struggle to survive. I don't want to be alone.
Be honest. Many times, you'd just as soon be alone. Like now. Its nice to be in the loft with the computer and to have him out of the house.  I would be fine if I lived alone too. I could fine something that I can afford. I will build a peaceful, loving space. I am capable and I can do it. I love Peter though. How can I leave him?


This is not an easy conversation to have with myself.

And its very hard to break off this conversation and sit with myself. Especially knowing he is at the neighbor's house. That he would rather flee to the neighbors house than be here and work things out with me. I can think logically about all of the above thoughts and also feel panic about change in our status. There is comfort in the same old gripe. The same familiar bitch. The same familiar dissatisfaction.