The drip, drip, drip of small irritations...

It is the constant drip, drip, drip of 
small thoughtless behaviors that destroys the relationship. The lack of eye contact, the 
obsessive/compulsive behaviors, the adherence to rigid routines, the self absorption, the 
social anxiety, all lead to family members feeling like they just cannot connect with their 
Asperger family members. But it isn't so much the unusual behaviors that make the 
connecting difficult, but the inconsistency. Never knowing what is coming next, makes a 
loving connection very difficult.


True.


Thursday night we're off to a presentation. HIs behavior is measured, jovial. Talking a lot. Not terribly unusual. Missing subtle social cues for appropriateness. Leans in too close, pulls my hair playfully in the car. Speaks up publicly out of turn. I pat his leg, hopefully. Hopeful that he'll catch on. It was the smell of alcohol that oozed from his skin that was most disconcerting and telling though.


Last night I arrive home after seven. Long day. He's obsessively doing dishes. Needs to be prodded to greet me. "Come see what I have." The radio blaring loud enough to interfere with conversation. I ask if he is listening to the story. Abruptly he moves quickly to turn it off. I say, "it was just a yes or no question." Do you want to watch a movie I ask? Yes, he does. But an hour and half later he is manically typing a letter to the BDN. I feel tired and tell him I'm going to bed, reminding him I worked 12 hours. At 1 am I get up to use the bathroom, come down stairs to turn off a bright light that reflects into the bedroom. Him: staring at the computer screen. I look for acknowledgement of my presence, say hi and ask how it goes. He says fine. Doesn't look up. I turn and go back up the stairs. I get into bed and drift back to sleep when suddenly he is whistling to the dogs and rough housing with them and then calling for Zoey. I call out to him: "PT! Shussh!" He continues. "PT!"  "What!" He shouts back. I tell him to stop shouting. He argues. I ask him if he's drunk. Bad move on my part. He's triggered. When he comes to bed I admittedly try to smooth things over. He's rigid and cold. I ask if he's mad. Yes, he's mad that I asked if he was drunk. I try to explain my perspective. He thinks it was fine to "play" with the dogs. I was awake. Accuses me of not saying goodnight. I remind him. I explain my contact w/ him as a form of acknowledgment. He escalates and begins shouting. I point out he is being beligerant. And I pour fuel on the fire by telling him how he smelled like alcohol that night before. How I wonder about unusual behavior and whether he is drunk. His behavior was inconsiderate. He tells me he always has to walk on egg shells when I'm around. We leave it at that. Today is a new day. A weekend. Will he be cold and tense? Loving and kind? Who knows?