Birth of Order

So what is it? A frenzied mind that observes itself? What is it to be mindfully in addiction? Watching oneself cope. Noting it. Not judging, but lovingly drawing limits. A boundary.
"Not now darling."
"No dear. That's enough."
"Think of your teeth!"
"Your colon."

So, is this it? Is this the way out? Watching. Dilegent. Understanding the need for coping. Pushing through the projects all screaming to be paid attention to. All screaming to be done.

I'm pushing onward, but this room project is still far from complete. I'm trying to finish before the weekend when the wonderful little Miss B comes with her fabulous Mama S and little sister Miss CJ. They are coming because Miss B would like to learn how to weave on her loom.  I want the room done because I want my outside world to reflect an interior world that is calm and sane. Calm and alive and creative and happy. I want all of these things, and pain free teeth and pretty good health.

Oh, alright. Throw in enlightenment too. Why not? But seriously, its interesting to watch myself binge and watching to see if I can come out of it, not having finished it all. And, can I see the stuff in the morning and dispose of it? Big questions for myself. This is a lonely journey, this journey out of a food addiction. Its very personal and fraught with opportunities everywhere to feel alarmed, fearful. Do I eat? Don't I eat? Should I wait for something that never comes? Should I just take care of myself? How do I merge gracefully with the rhythm of PT's world?


So it occurs to me that I'm acting as though I am healthy. I'm putting my world into order. Its quite an undertaking. But I've initiated some of the steps that I know will get me there and I'm trying to establish, lay down new habits... Such as, an organized living space. First this upstairs area... studio, work, meditation and exercise. Putting storage into sensible order. Then downstairs to the bathroom. Organizing food for transport. Shopping. Preparing and writing down food and planning meals. Or at least I'm trying. Practice is the key, right? Order, order, order. I'm craving it like mad. At work... everything is compartmentalizing. Finish, Finish, Finish. Everybody wants to wrap up things prematurely. I'm always trying to finish something. Tomorrow I'll wake up and review the job description from the Big Cheese. There are the curriculums that need attention. There are the men that need attention. And more attention. There are the volunteers, and more volunteers. And now the TANK requires me to step into a responsible role. Of course. Of course everyone has to help. Breathe.
Don't forget to Breathe.
And observe.
This too shall change.