Having the spirit of the whale requires outrage and discipline

Bosnia is often on my mind. I can sort of understand the connection, remembering back to the time I was first inspired in a group of woman/ empowered by the circle when I gathered with others to shout out against the male oppression, the oppression of war, the atrocities against the women of Bosnia.


I look and see the book titled S on my bookshelf. I've never been able to read it beyond the beginning chapter. Couldn't bear the pain. In this moment, I look to it and I'm ready. I note too that I heard a story on NPR yesterday about A. Jollee producing a film about the Bosnian war between the serbs and muslims. 


I'm also noting that I feel continual annoyance, resentment and anger toward Big Tree. I love him, yes, but I'm feeling a lot of rightous anger these days. I feel courageous and bold and not too tolerant of his rants, or of his bad behavior.


I feel equally outraged by the mighty and rich corporation's intent to manipulate and harm our community with its proposed project to import and distribute propane. I feel outraged at the injustice of this mega power's ability to do what ever it wants simply because of its might.


I am determined, today to conquer the mess of chaos that I am presently living in and furthermore to watch a film that the big cheese gave me to watch on quantum physics. 

Discipline: is it an achievable goal? Can one be disciplined and have a spontaneous, quality, creative, rich life? I want some serious discipline in my life. Perhaps it is a counter remedy to the world of chaos I feel thrust into. I asked Big Tree for a quiet day at home today. He cranked "This American Life" within 5 minutes. I have to explain to him that I literally meant "a quiet" day at home. He resentfully turns the radio down and then later turns it back on at less loud volume, but still loud enough for me to listen to if I choose too. I'd prefer not to be be able to listen. I like the quiet of my own thoughts. It helps me focus and imagine a life with some boundaries, goals and dreams. 


So, Margaret Wheatley writes that discipline is a strange and foreign concept to many people today, noting that we've been conditioned to follow our passion, to do what we love, to connect our work with our life's purpose so that we'll be highly motivated.  Exactly. That's why I'm wondering if I can have discipline and still smoke dope and be creative and spontaneous.  But Wheatly argues that if we don't interject discipline into our life then we end up always looking for a substitute. We seek new work, new causes, new relationships, something or somebody that will fire up our passion and make us feel motivated and alive again.  When we are propelled by passion, rather than by discipline, we end up spent, exhausted, unhappy.  We loose our capacity to persevere.


Yesterday at our staff retreat, we began by pulling an animal card and connecting w/its attributes as a teaching about ourselves. I drew the whale. I was surprised. I have never identified with the whale. Well, except that I have, recently, been thinking of painting driftwood that reminds me of flying ocean fish, mystical whales, etc. 


The whale: Here is something I found on the internet:

A Whale totem teaches you to go deep within yourself
to awaken your inner creativity.
But they also teach us not to become lost in our creative imagination,
but to live in the real world.

When a Whale totem shows up in your life, examine your own use of creativity.
Apply your own creative intuition to formulas --
this is what imbues them with power and magic.

Creativity for the sake of creativity is not what the Whale teaches.
It awakens great depth of creative inspiration, but you must add your own color and light
to your outer life to make it wonderful.

The sound of the Whale teaches us how to create with song.

The whale, along with the dolphin, are the other sentient beings of our planet.
They too are self-aware and have souls.
Accordingly to the Michael Teachings, they are on their fourth cycle,
while most of mankind is on its eleventh or twelfth cycle.

Hmmm. I wonder what that means... fourth cycle, and 11 or 12th cycle. And what are the Michael teachings? Is it something I've been exposed to before, say... in Santa Fe. Remember that woman that Becca knew... named Michael? Is it her?

Anyhow... another totem internet page simply attributes the whale with memory. Yesterday, I took away the association of the whale with the keeper of the stories. I liked that given my desire to cultivate Indigo Crow, storyteller, spoken word poet. The whale totem will have to find its way to my identity.