Begin; again.

Well, its time. I've been chewing on it for a while. Months, really.
Its time to step up my life experience. Walk my desires, so to speak. Start a discipline to drop this extra weight and step into the life that  I'm trying to lead. I feel like I've been clearing the decks, laying the groundwork; foundational stuff for living here with PT. I've needed to get an understanding of how I've been responding to the situation and exacerbating it. You know... pushing the limit without really intending to. I still don't have any idea if I'm going to stay on in the household, mated to PT, but right now, its ok. I'm not fretting about it. I've been sleeping better. I'm noticing my agitations, I'm speaking my truth and I'm getting shit done.

I like the concept of evolution. I think we evolve when we surrender to the truth of our addictions; when we surrender to our fears. When we stand in our truth something shifts and fear is only a reminder to pay attention. When we are present and paying attention we have the power of courage and at the same time the peace of knowing and a sense of trust.

When I think of my own evolution is begins with a self concept make over. I want to look vibrant. I want to look attractive at any age. I believe that right now, I am on the edge of dowdy; in fact I see dowdy on more days than I care to admit. In my mind's eye I see myself as strong and agile. I see myself hiking and moving around, working, bending, walking, climbing. When I see myself doing those things, I also see myself laughing.

I think of evolution as the process of finding your voice and in that voice there is an abundance of laughter; laughter born of self confidence and an ease with not knowing.

In evolution my body is less large and not governed by cravings and mindless eating that is intended to sooth away fear and agitation.

I have plenty of tools as I begin, and begin I must even as I still do not have the upstairs complete and organized to my satisfaction. I have to push on. I see that my home life is taking on compartmentalizations just like my work life is. In someways this massive cleaning of house and organizing that I'm in the midst of has activated brain neurons that I have had on the back burner. My head buzzes most of the time with thoughts and answers and questions and imaginings. I love it. So, tomorrow I begin to implement a new discipline - eating mindfully and plan-fully. Plan-fully isn't really a word but I like the way it makes me think I'm on track, I'm not lost. I have my bearings. That's really what we have to do when we are coming into ourselves, isn't it? We have to have our bearings. So, with a plan, I've got my coordinates and I can handle what comes at me because I'm in touch with the present, I know where I am and I can tap my self, my soul, my source. I become the essence of wisdom that I know I am evolving into.

First there is the body thing. Then there is the house/survival thing. Its really all about how I live. Is there peace? Can I meditate? Can I think? Can I eat healthy? Can I love and be loved? Are we safe, emotionally and physically? Do we have what we need? Do I need to look out for myself interdependently or independently? This is still to be learned.

In any event, tomorrow dear girl, you will eat with a plan, get fit w/ a plan, play w/ your animals w/a plan and calm your mind w/ a plan. You will generally practice being present while you shift your life into your court with the tools of routine and discipline.

This is what love looks like.